My Blue Heaven

Meh

Feeling extremely deflated at the moment. Sometimes I don’t know why I bother putting so much effort into trying to do (and not only do, but excel at) so many things at once. Sometimes I am so busy I don’t even have the time to pee. Life (not to mention my bladder) would be much more relaxed if perhaps I stopped trying to be superwoman. Stopped trying to have my cake and eat it too. (But I do so love a good vanilla cheesecake.. mmm…)

Meh. It’s late.. again. I never go to bed early enough. I’m always tired. I don’t have time to go to the gym anymore – I haven’t even been to my once a week yoga class in 2 weeks (which means I’m wasting money on gym membership fees). I haven’t been to hiphop dance class in a month and a half (which means I’m also wasting money on my dance studio membership fees). My neck and shoulders have knots the size of large boulders and are a constant discomfort/pain. I am struggling with RSI in my right wrist (the tendons are inflamed). I am almost constantly stressed. Still get sick too easily. I am really struggling financially. Plus my parents don’t approve of my life or choices. I never have time to do the things I need to do.

I just want a break from it all. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the brink of not being able to handle it.

Perhaps part-time music college + demanding full-time job + playing in a band + other hobbies/activities = It Is Not Possible.

Looong time no blog

Dayamn. It’s been over a month since my last blog. Hmm.. sometimes I wonder if it is worth keeping this up seeing as social sites such as Facebook appear to be taking over the (virtual) world and even the blogosphere. But on the other hand… it makes for a quieter blogscape. Which means a little more freedom to express. I think I likey.

Anyhoo. Lots of things have been happening in the life of Kazzart. The biggest would be my break up with Kwai (as of about a month and a half ago). There were many reasons and as always, these things are complicated. But I can definitely say that it had been a long time coming. It may have seemed a sudden thing to many people, but outsiders can never see what is truly going on under the surface. (I’m not going to get into the nitty-gritty details.)

Ok so what else has been happening. Life has been up and down, and as always busy as ever. Sometimes I almost feel like I’m drowning in all the things on my plate. Let’s list em out shall we:

• Work – this in itself would be enough to keep me busy as I’ve taken on a technical lead role part time (getting into scoping, estimates and functional requirements) as well as still a senior web developer the rest of the time!
• Music college (3rd and final term of my first year in Certificate of Music Studies) – for my Monday night class, the final musicianship assignment is due this coming Monday… I am SO not gonna have time to do this by Monday – I haven’t even started it yet!!! And we have to compose, arrange and score out an entire song of 3-4 mins length.
• Also my other module (the jazz performance ensemble class on Tuesday night) needs a lot of work. I’ve decided to do an arrangement of the old jazz standard “The Nearness Of You”. So far I only have a basic idea of the head arrangement – as half ballad and half gentle bossa (think Joao Gilberto). We had our first run through last Tues which went fairly well, and my teacher kindly suggested some reharmonisation of the chords for the ballad section – he even came up with some chords to use which was extremely useful! I am also imagining an intro of only 4-part horns harmony, based on the reharmonised chords, which I started last nite and am kinda halfway through writing. Then I will also need to write some simple harmonising/counterpoint horn lines for the bossa section of the song. Ack. I suck at writing horn lines. But I really want this arrangement and performance to be good because it’s gonna be a concert which we can invite people to – and I’ll be inviting my parents and friends along this time!
• Speaking of parents – my parents are also in London! They arrived last Saturday and will be here until end of August, travelling back and forth between London and various European destinations. It’s been nice having them here, staying with me, and they have even been cooking and cleaning! My flat sure is a lot cleaner now lol. But for some reason I’ve been getting less sleep and have been really tired this whole week. Guess it’s just affecting my regular schedule and sleep patterns.
• More with music – I’m playing in a jazz trio now (with people I know from college – and we actually have a name.. we’re gonna be called “The Sheridan Trio”). We have our first gig next Saturday 24th.. and so this weekend we’ll be rehearsing on Saturday AND Sunday to get the two sets down solid. If you’re interested the set list is:

  Set 1

  • Cantaloupe Island
  • But Not For Me
  • Freddie Freeloader
  • The Nearness of You
  • Blue Bossa
  • Autumn Leaves
  • Cry Me A River
  • Straight No Chaser

  Set 2

  • It Could Happen
  • Ain’t Misbehavin
  • Blue Room
  • Softly As In A Morning Sunrise
  • Since I Fell For You
  • All Of Me
  • Corcorvada
  • So What

  This gig is just at a private party, but we have a possibility of a public gig at an italian cafe in Soho called Piada, just a couple doors down from Ronnie Scotts! (I know the owner of this cafe because there is a Piada near my office too and I’m quite a regular there).

• I’m also still attempting to keep myself active, fit and healthy – though I haven’t even been to dance class in probably a month 🙁 and have only barely been able to make my weekly yoga class at the gym. I have, however, been trying a few new things – last week I tried an adult gymnastics class for the first time in like 20 years! I was able to do a front hand spring, but failed miserably when attempting the back hand spring (still have a bruise on my knee a week later for my efforts). I’m also intending on getting more into salsa.. particularly cuban salsa. I’ve had an on-off affair with salsa for the past 2 or so years and I keep meaning to get myself going regularly to a class, but I’ve just not found time in my ever-busy and ever-growing schedule. Hm.. and I’m trying to find the time now? LOL. One can only try eh.
• Travel – I still LOVE to and intend on travelling as much as finances will permit, which unfortunately atm, is not much at all. 🙁 I did take a recent mini-break to Madrid, Spain over the May long weekend (4-6th). It was a wonderful trip, and Madrid is a beautiful city, esp at that time of year. Not too hot, but pleasantly warm and sunny. We were quite lucky too with the weekend averaging a pleasant 28 degrees and plenty of sunshine! Took lots of photos too. Below are a sample of photos taken on a friend’s camera. I still have to upload the photos from my camera, but these will do for now. Enjoy. 🙂
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Well I think I’ve pretty much listed most of things keeping me busy at the moment. Obviously there are the usual household matters like grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, looking after bills and finances, look after Ella etc etc.

Anyway… I was kinda feeling a bit depressed today for some reason (which is what prompted me to blog). I think I get this way when I think too much about my life.. and the decisions and mistakes I’ve made. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever learn from my mistakes. And even though I’m doing a lot, “achieving” a lot and keeping myself mega-busy all the time.. I feel quite alone a lot of the time. Perhaps thats why I keep myself so busy.. so that I don’t notice it. I still don’t have many friends here in London, and no real, close friends. Sometimes when I really feel the need to talk to a good friend, to share the burdens on my mind, it just strikes me that I actually have nobody here I could do that with. All the people I would turn to and talk to are in Sydney – and even then, I’ve been away for so long (it’s been 3 years now!) that, well, people just forget about you. You lose touch, you’re on the other side of the world, you’re not a part of their lives anymore, and I think people just stop caring as much. It’s understandable for sure.. but it’s just.. a bit depressing when they are the only people you consider real friends and they’re just not available (or perhaps not interested) for the short time you catch them on msn. I’m really not sure what I can do about this. Of course I want to make friends here and I know I need to do this – but I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me. Maybe I just shouldn’t expect the same level of friendship that I have with those I spent many years growing up with. But even so.. I met people there that had quickly become close friends in only a matter of weeks. Why don’t I meet the same sort of people here? I still believe that it’s a cultural thing – that there is something about the culture and people’s mindset in London (and I hear this from other expats about British people in general too) that makes them more difficult to get to know, to form a close friendship with and have meaningful conversations with.

Meh. I dunno. I am possibly going to be staying in London a lot longer than I originally planned, so I think I really need to sort this issue of loneliness out. *sigh* Anyway.. well thats the latest (minus a few details ;)) from the life and mind of Kazzart. Bit of a mammoth post I know.. sorry!

The Balancing Act

Life is quite a balancing act. I’ve noticed this fact seems to become more and more true the older you get (as more “adult” responsibilities pile on).. and heck I’m only 29. (Yes, I only have one more year of being in my 20’s… *cries*) I’ve also noticed this balancing act seems to be more of a struggle the larger and more metropolitan the city in which you live. I’ve found life in London, for example, to be much more of a challenging balancing act than life in Sydney. I have to say, London would probably rate near the top as one of the most demanding & stressful cities (in the western world) to live in. I’m not the only one to make this observation.. I have heard it from many and varied people who have also lived in other cities around the world and can make the comparison.

But I guess you get used to the additional burdens over time and you get better at dealing with them as they come. It’s still a constant struggle because its like, as soon as you get used to one thing, something new comes along to challenge you – but I guess that’s what makes life interesting?

I always feel like there is so much I want to do and never enough days in the week, or hours in the day to fit in everything. Maybe I’m just particularly.. ambitious. I’ve never wanted to have a boring life. At the same time, I’ve never wanted a stressful, too-busy-to-stop-and-talk life either!! But there are so many wonderful, cool and interesting things in the world to try and experience! I don’t want to be a “pleb” – who just goes through life as expected, goes to work and goes home to eat and watch tv like a couch potato, has no time or energy for anything else, no other passions or hobbies they love, no inspirations to challenge themselves with, no new experiences to try and learn from. Having said that.. I also want to be someone who takes care of themself.. with all these things to do be it career or hobbies, I don’t want to be an overworked zombie whose health and body suffers because they just have no time to exercise or cook or eat healthily. I like my body and I think it deserves some T.L.C! It’s hard to strike that balance. I know I’m still learning…

Hm I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. I started it months ago and never got around to finishing it. So I have completely forgotten where I was going with it originally. Sorry. 😛 Hopefully you get the general sentiment. 🙂

Self-expression

It is interesting the things we turn to for self-expression when we feel down. I notice this in myself.. that I automatically turn towards creative avenues.. such as music, dance, video creation, or blogging. Funnily enough all these things are often combined into one – eg when I create a video, it can involve a combination of music, dance and/or blogging. Probably why I love making videos. Because there are so many possibilities with it.. there is so much freedom of expression, with many different avenues to choose from and combine into that one final creative piece.

And so it is when things get me down, I fall back to self-expression. I guess this also holds true when life goes well.. when something good happens, it is nice to share your joy over this medium. What is life without the ability to share it with others? But still I find myself more drawn to self-expression when I feel down. Same goes with writing music.. I always find myself more creative & more inspired, when I’m down. Is it some unwritten requirement that an artist must be of the “tortured soul” variety?

Meh.. enough meanderings for one day. It’s been a while since my last blog entry. A few good things have happened since then. I got a promotion at work yesterday.. well starting as of next week I suppose. Nice to know that hard work really does pay off sometimes.. 🙂

Pet Peeves

Warning: I might have been in a slightly bitchy mood whilst writing this….

1. People who smoke cigarettes anywhere in my vicinity, or even just the smell of it on someone’s clothes.. EWW! Secondhand smoke gives me a headache, a cough and makes me nauseous. Yes I’m sensitive to it. No I’m not just “putting it on”. Best thing that happened to London was the smoking ban!
2. People who binge drink (learn to socialise and have a good time WITHOUT the aid of alcohol!)
3. Commuting at peak time in London
4. Trains running late and/or having fewer carriages than normal at peak time in London
5. Sitting next to fat people or men (sorry guys.. it’s your broader shoulders) on the train.. fave seat buddies are skinny, small women! Memo to National Rail – stop assuming all people are one size – skinny!
6. People playing music on loudspeaker on their phone on the train/tram/bus.. if you can afford a phone, you can afford some cheapo earphones!
7. People who saunter along slowly & aimlessly during peak time in London and block everyone’s way. Same for human walls.
8. Tourists in London.. at peak time (notice a running theme here?!)
9. Ok.. so maybe I hate central London in general at peak time!!
10. People with absolutely no discernment whatsoever when it comes to food & coffee. This one is a BIG one. Including (but not exhaustively listing):
    • Starbucks (or Costa) coffees (real coffee is NOT burnt to crap – please someone do this city a favour and stop springing up starbucks on every street corner.. repeat after me: “quality over quantity”. I don’t understand how London, being relatively close to Italy, can just get it SO WRONG!)
    • McDonalds/KFC/Pizza Hut (or any other deep pan pizza joint.. and if you think a deep pan pizza is real pizza from Italy you deserve to be shot)
    • Subway (yeh… I have no idea what they put in their “baguettes” but that ain’t bread! Same with their cheese.. and meat.. And no, a subway sandwich is actually NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU. It’s all marketing.)
    • Wagamamas (Ughhhhhhhh… this one causes me no end of frustration. NO.. Wagamama’s does NOT serve genuine authentic chinese/japanese/malaysian/or any other asian cultures cuisine! Get a clue people! Try some REAL authentic cuisine and then realise that Wagamama’s food actually tastes akin to some cow dung cooked with soy sauce.)
    • Pizza Express.. not as bad as pizza hut, but still MILES off from even just a 1 euro takeaway reheated pizza slice in Italy (ps the place I’m referring to is in Venice)!
    • Yo Sushi (Complete and utter commercially marketed CRAP. If in London, the equivalent takeout sushi, Wasabi is SO much better – but don’t try the cooked food.. it’s just bulk cooked and reheated in the microwave!)
    • Tea with semi-skimmed milk (WHY? If you’re gonna use milk in that small quantity, then use the real stuff.. the difference in fat quantity is miniscule. But the taste difference is great. Full cream milk FTW!)
11. Fake people. Say what you mean, and do as you say you will. Empty promises and empty conversation make an empty person.
12. People who think they know about music… but don’t.
13. People who think they can dance… but can’t (more the youtube types than anyone in real life).