11:03 pm Tue, 16th September 2008
The above title pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I don’t know what has come over me over the past day or two. For some reason I’ve just been feeling this melancholic blueness wash over me. I don’t know where it’s coming from, or why.. but I just feel kinda.. sad. I mean yesterday evening I was bawling my eyes out. Is it PMS on its way? Surely not.. it’s too soon.
Le sigh.
Maybe it’s the weather. It has taken a definite turn towards winter. The days are noticably shorter and quite on the chilly side. Maybe it’s SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. On that note.. I do feel like a hot mug of Chamomile tea about now..
*2 minutes later*
So.. I’ve been thinking about my past.. and that’s kinda gotten me down too. Past relationships.. and inevitably, relationship failures.. particularly the most recent one. I guess I was just remembering a few things, the good things, and that made me sad. I guess I’ve spent so much time dwelling on the bad things.. the reasons why it didn’t work, that suddenly remembering those good moments felt.. unexpectedly sad.
Not only that though.. I feel like I’m constantly trying so hard to keep it all together.. to be successful at everything I do, or even just to be able to juggle everything on my plate (and boy is there a lot).. that sometimes, I just end up feeling drained (as I’ve mentioned before in past blog entries). Maybe I expect too much from life.. and from myself..?
I still feel lonely too. Even though I have a new bf (and things are going very well with that.. he is wonderful). I guess, the friendship/social part of my life is still a little.. lacking. It’s progressed a bit – at least I have one solid girl friend now, with whom I am on close enough terms that I can call her just for a chat or call her up just to hang out (simple things like that really do make a difference – though I need to make sure I’m not so busy all the time with my overflowing plate that I don’t end up having time to meet her – yeh, constant struggle that one). Anyway.. there is that feeling of.. aloneness. Adriftedness? Disconnectedness? I feel kinda displaced.. particularly when I see/hear about friends back home moving on in life.. getting married, having kids etc etc. I told a friend recently that I felt like me and my friends back home were on two different travelators.. moving on in life, at the same age, yet our lives are so different.
Le sigh.
I dunno.. I was hoping blogging about this would help clear my head a bit. It kinda has.. but at the same time, I feel a bit confused about what I’m actually sad about now.. probably a complicated mixture of things as always.
Anyway.. tis my bedtime now. Gnite all.
Posted in Introspection, Life | 3 Comments »
