My Blue Heaven

Decisions

Decisions decisions decisions. I hate having to make them.. esp the tough ones. *sigh*



And I hate being all stressed out about this too. [girly sidenote]My skin is even breaking out and going all red and blotchy (well, red & blotchy for me anyway, compared to normal).[/girly sidenote] Wish I could just escape and not have to deal with everything.

Gonna try a new Hip Hop class tonight. Got recommended by some friends from the dance workshop. Should be fun. I think dance is becoming a bit of an escape for me. It’s a place I always feel happy and at peace.

On a different note, I can’t wait for this movie to be released here. Its out in the states now, but damn its not coming out here till January next year!! 🙁

Current listening :: “A Day In The Sun” – Hilary Duff

Bitchin’

Does anyone else out there find that latest Usher song “Confessions Part II” kinda offensive? Everytime I hear the song, I keep thinking the same things.

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
These are my confessions
Man I’m throwed and I don’t know what to do

Absolutely no sympathy for you mate. Why did you have a “chick on the side” in the first place? I find that concept rather offensive.

This by far is the hardest thing I think I’ve ever had to do
To tell you, the woman I love
That I’m having a baby by a woman that I barely even know
I hope you can accept the fact that I’m man enough to tell you this
And hopefully you’ll give me another chance

Well hello, if you kept it in the pants in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this predicament eh? And the whole being “man enough to tell you” is sorta negated by the fact that you were, in fact, sleeping with this “chick on the side”. Men!

Anyways. Enough fun for one day. 😛 I don’t mind the song – its got a decent-ish tune.. I just don’t like the lyrics.

Back update

I went to see the Chiro again this morning, just to make sure everything was ok with my rib. She said it was just 5% out but 95% in, so she fixed that up for me, and said I should be ok now. So I went to the gym at lunchtime today and had myself a very good (but very careful) workout – mainly concentrated on cardio on the X-Trainer, with some light weights to tone arms and strengthen the upper back muscles + my usual ab exercises. I felt pretty good after my workout, but this afternoon, I’ve been feeling that slight niggling pain in that same upper back area again – esp when I breathed in deeply. I really hope it hasn’t popped out (correct term is subluxated) again – and just after having a treatment too!! But it seems to be ok now, so here’s hoping.

Btw, this short article seems to explain what happened to my rib/upper back. I think it was the subluxation of a rib, and yeh, it was from lifting something heavy and bad posture at work. 🙁

Current listening :: “Every Little Step” – Bobby Brown (In a bit of an old skool R&B phase atm… Hahah so awesome!! I haven’t heard this song in sooooo long!!)

Disillusion

Why is it that as I grow older, I find myself becoming more cynical, more sad, more angsty, more disillusioned… the bags in my hands growing one by one. I suppose that is how life is, with the whole growing up thing. And I suppose you only do it to youself, with your choices. It was all so much more simple back then, was it not? Back in the uni days.. and even further back in the high school days, that seem like a distant memory now. I was so innocent back then. What have we done with innocence? It disappeared with time, it never made much sense.

I am so sorry to those I’ve hurt along the way. And I’m sorry to those I will hurt in the future. Sorry for all the times.. I just can’t add up the sums, to find the damage we’ve done. I guess I should just resign myself to the guilt. I suppose I deserve it.

I know I don’t deserve *you*.

Gosh.. dunno where this is all coming from. Just feel like letting stuff out. Please don’t read too much into it. It’s just me.. expressing my feelings and frustrations.. about life, about people, about change.

One thing that gets to me, is that if you do something.. different.. (not necessarily wrong.. just different) from what people believe to be the “thing” to do… the “way” to act.. the “life” to live.. the “choice” to choose… you get a sense of disapproval. A shift in people’s opinions of you. Like you’ve just gone down a few rungs in the social pecking order. I dunno. Maybe I’m reading too much into things. But then again… maybe not.. maybe my mum was right.

Ack… too much thinking, not enough exercising. I haven’t been to the gym in over a week now. Methinks I am way overdue. Its coz I’ve been sick.. and trying to recover.

/rant

[Update: 5:40pm]

Ah.. feeling better now. Going to the gym at lunchtime today helped improve my mood greatly. That, and my little rant above. 🙂 I’m feeling a little sleepy now though… ugh.. kinda wish I didn’t have to go to youth group tonight.. just wanna go home and snuggle up in bed..

Current listening :: “My Poor Brain” – Foo Fighters

Times like these

In times like these
in times like those
what will be will be
and so it goes
and it always goes on and on
and on and on it goes

But somehow i know it wont be the same
somehow i know it’ll never be the same

I had the crappiest weekend. Culminating to an all time low on Sunday night. Blah blah woof woof. I just want to escape it all. To leave everything behind.. the burdens, the responsibility, the expectations, the microscope, the judgements. I was actually glad to get back to work this morning. To get back into my weekday routine. Perhaps its become a sort of avenue of escape for me.. at least for a time.

It’s all so stupid. This life.. relationships.. people. You need people and relationships, yet at times, they seem to be the bane of your life. And you wish you could say, I don’t need you. Yet you still feel the weight of your (somewhat self-imposed) loneliness.

I wish I wasn’t in the position I’m currently in.

Bah. This is so f’d up.

Current listening :: “Cocoon” – Jack Johnson

Nastiness

Why are there so many mean and nasty people out there? I mean seriously, why do people waste their energy putting others down? Are they that bored? Or perhaps they do it just to make themselves feel better, and more superior. To be one up on someone else. I really don’t get.. especially in the “virtual world” – I’ve seen so many mean people making mean comments on people’s blog. Why go to all that trouble? Maybe their mum didn’t teach them well enough. Or maybe its coz they can hide behind their anonymity, and make cheap and nasty comments about others just to fill the void of their meaningless existence. *cough* Sorry… getting a little carried away here..

Its just really sad to see… the reality of people and their true character. The messed up state of this world. I guess I’m also particularly thinking about the way men tend to view women. I was reading an article in a magazine about holiday rape. And it really disturbed me.. the way some men view women (particularly in other cultures), as an object, just some worthless piece of ass, something to be used and thrown away. Or even, the idea that they were “asking for it” by dressing a certain way. I dunno… it gets me riled up just thinking about it. Its so not how its supposed to be. How we were created to be.

And its not just other cultures, its here too, in Australia, among the “educated”.. workers in offices who go on and on about sexy lingerie, or the latest hottest chick they’ve seen. That kinda talk reveals a certain attitude and mindset about women. I guess I really dislike men who think that way, have that certain attitude.. who view women as objects and playthings, to be looked at, leered at, and in that way, used for their own satisfaction. It’s degrading, and just makes me feel really dirty, knowing this about guys and the way they think.

Wow. This has really turned into a “I hate men” rant. Woops. Anyway, not all men are like this, I know. There are plenty of guys out there who put me to shame with their kindness, decency and compassion for others.. who don’t judge the value of a woman by the shape of their body, or the beauty of their face, but by the beauty that is within, and their value as a fellow human being.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some feminist out to burn bras and protest for the rights of women. I don’t particularly agree with (what I know about) feminism. And I’m not a humanist either. I am a christian, and therefore my view and understanding of humanity is based on what God has said (through the bible). I didn’t really get into the details of *why* I think the above mentioned mindset/attitude/actions are wrong. Err… leave a message if you’re interested.

Enough procrastination.. time to get back to work…

Current listening :: “I Heard The Voice” – Selah

Blah blah

Feeling mighty irritable at the moment. I hate it when parents give you crap about stuff. I suppose therein lies the benefits of moving out. What they don’t know, they can’t give you crap about. But then, there are many benefits with living at home too. I just wish they’d leave me alone sometimes… I am 25 now. I don’t mind doing chores and taking responsibilty for stuff like that. But I really wish my mum would keep her nose out of my working life, and what I choose to do with it. Stuff like when I choose to take a day off, or what time I get into work. Argh… she’s a constant nag about it!

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Today has turned into such a nice day… maybe I’ll go to the beach. Or go swimming at least. 🙂

Troubled

So many thoughts in my head at the moment. I want to blog about it all… but I’m finding it hard to get started… to organise my thoughts…. and to decide just how much I want to reveal. (Again the bloggers paradox rears its not-so-pretty head.)

Just been feeling really troubled lately. Relationships with people have been stressing me out. Its always to do with relationships isn’t it. Though for once its not my ‘relationship’.

I’m torn between wanting to distance myself, or to respond in kind or to do the right (and most difficult) thing. Sometimes I get so frustrated with people, that I just don’t want to be around them anymore. Sometimes I feel really cynical about friendships. Maybe I always have been. Looking at an old diary entry about 3 years ago… I wrote “There’s nobody. Not even friends. Y once told me that friends are all there is to hold on to. But thats not true. People, whether friends or not, don’t want to know people like me. Not deeply anyway. I should never rely on anyone. Never trust anyone.” Ok, so that had more to do with certain unpleasant highschool experiences. And perhaps I never fully got over it. The current situation is a bit different. Hm this probably doesn’t really make sense. Then again… I am being deliberately cryptic. 🙂

Man this is not a good time for me to be blogging. I’m starting to become too open. I was wondering why I was feeling so emotional about things… and I took a look my calendar. Yep. My suspicions were correct. (Take one guess :P).


Hm… I think I just managed to talk about it without talking about it. Anyway. I might end up deleting or editing this post later.

Current listening :: “Breaking Us In Two” – Mandy Moore

Consumerist

I have succumbed. *Noooo…* I can’t believe I just bought Justin Timberlake’s “Justified”. *hangs head in shame* And after many rants on how I couldn’t stand him and his songs when they first came out! But over time one or two started to wheedle their way into my good books. Starting with ‘Rock Your Body’ – a song I readily admit has a great beat. But now I actually like ‘Senorita’? I hated the song when I first heard it. Aiyah.

I also bought “Travelling without moving” by Jamiroquai (only $9.99 at HMV!!) – slightly redeeming myself there. I’d been meaning to get a Jamiroquai cd for a while. ‘Cosmic Girl’ is an awesome song!

And to top off my spending, I bought ‘Jimmy The Hand’ – Raymond E Feist. After polishing off ‘Talon Of the Silver Hawk’ in a day, I’d been itching to read more. Since I’m gonna have to wait till November for ‘King Of Foxes’, I thought I’d read this in the meantime. Hope its good. (And I always thought Jimmy the Hand was way cool.)

Weekend in review

My dance class went alright. I had about 6 people in my class, including 1 guy! They picked up the dance fairly well, considering it was a pretty difficult and fast routine (to Janet Jackson’s “All For You”).

On Sat night I watched “Down With Love” with Andrew. It was pretty good – though not as romantic as I thought it’d be. More.. interesting/funny. I don’t think I’d pay to see it again. Oh, and we had a bad encounter with this snobby rich yuppy man wearing a dark skivvy. (More about this later.)

I’m gonna be seeing another movie tonight with Andrew – Finding Nemo. Yay! I’m finally catching up on watching all these movies I’d put on hold coz I was waiting for Andrew to be finished with his assignments/midsessions.

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