My Blue Heaven

Le sigh

The above title pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I don’t know what has come over me over the past day or two. For some reason I’ve just been feeling this melancholic blueness wash over me. I don’t know where it’s coming from, or why.. but I just feel kinda.. sad. I mean yesterday evening I was bawling my eyes out. Is it PMS on its way? Surely not.. it’s too soon.

Le sigh.

Maybe it’s the weather. It has taken a definite turn towards winter. The days are noticably shorter and quite on the chilly side. Maybe it’s SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. On that note.. I do feel like a hot mug of Chamomile tea about now..

*2 minutes later*

So.. I’ve been thinking about my past.. and that’s kinda gotten me down too. Past relationships.. and inevitably, relationship failures.. particularly the most recent one. I guess I was just remembering a few things, the good things, and that made me sad. I guess I’ve spent so much time dwelling on the bad things.. the reasons why it didn’t work, that suddenly remembering those good moments felt.. unexpectedly sad.

Not only that though.. I feel like I’m constantly trying so hard to keep it all together.. to be successful at everything I do, or even just to be able to juggle everything on my plate (and boy is there a lot).. that sometimes, I just end up feeling drained (as I’ve mentioned before in past blog entries). Maybe I expect too much from life.. and from myself..?

I still feel lonely too. Even though I have a new bf (and things are going very well with that.. he is wonderful). I guess, the friendship/social part of my life is still a little.. lacking. It’s progressed a bit – at least I have one solid girl friend now, with whom I am on close enough terms that I can call her just for a chat or call her up just to hang out (simple things like that really do make a difference – though I need to make sure I’m not so busy all the time with my overflowing plate that I don’t end up having time to meet her – yeh, constant struggle that one). Anyway.. there is that feeling of.. aloneness. Adriftedness? Disconnectedness? I feel kinda displaced.. particularly when I see/hear about friends back home moving on in life.. getting married, having kids etc etc. I told a friend recently that I felt like me and my friends back home were on two different travelators.. moving on in life, at the same age, yet our lives are so different.

Le sigh.

I dunno.. I was hoping blogging about this would help clear my head a bit. It kinda has.. but at the same time, I feel a bit confused about what I’m actually sad about now.. probably a complicated mixture of things as always.

Anyway.. tis my bedtime now. Gnite all.

ZOMG two months since last blog!

Wow. Has it really been two months? How time flies.

So what’s new in the life of Kazzart. Gosh.. where to start!? Well things have improved a bit since my last, rather down-hearted post. My wrists seem to be in better shape for one, haven’t had a case of RSI for a while now. Using an ergonomic joystick mouse and keyboard at work has definitely helped. I’m also very careful now when I practice piano.. I always warm up, I’m careful not to tense my muscles or push myself too far. Oh, and Ibuprofen gel is my friend. 😉 What else.. my time is a bit easier to manage now that music college term is over and we’re on summer holidays. I think I might make things easier for myself in the coming year and only do one module instead of two! Two nights a week is just too much for me, with my current job going the way it is. On that note, work has definitely gotten busier with more and more responsibility piling on. I’m now getting involved as Technical Manager/Technical Lead on a number of projects. As well as still doing some web dev work. I’m not sure if I enjoy the TM stuff, but I think it is good experience to have so I will give it a go and see how I feel at the end of the year.

Last month I went away on an awesome summer holiday. I organised a two week holiday for my parents and brother in Barcelona, Spain and Portugal (Lisbon & Algarve). It was great to get away and get some SUMMER. Seriously.. the weather here in UK has been SOOOOOO sh*t it would be blasphemy to call it a “summer”. Strangely, everywhere else in the EU seems to be scorching hot.. it’s like there is some invisible weather barrier between us and continental europe (maybe its the english channel). Anyway.. enough whining about the weather.. I’m becoming more and more british every day.. wait I am already “technically” british lol. So yeh, the holiday was great fun. I *loved* Barcelona.. great food, friendly locals, beautiful city and great weather! Also really loved just chillin out by the beach at the Algarve. The weather there really is just PERFECT.. that perfect mix of warm south european and dry hot north african climate. Blue skies and sunshine pretty much every day! And the sun is actually HOT. Got myself a lovely tan there.. and stocked up on my Vitamin D dosage for the year. 🙂 Here are some photos from the trip.

Barcelona, Spain

Algarve, Portugal

Lisbon, Portugal

Anyway.. since coming back from holidays.. I’ve been getting back into regular yoga and dancing again. I’ve been gone so long from hiphop even my teacher noticed and welcomed me back! I’m also still going to cuban salsa and getting better each week – which is good coz I really enjoy dancing salsa with my bf.. he’s still heaps better than me though! So fingers crossed I’ll be able to keep that all going coz I seriously need to get fit again! Not to mention, I just feel so good afterwards.

The Sheridan Trio (my jazz trio) also played our FIRST public gig last Saturday! W00t w00t! It went pretty well. Loads of people came, they seemed to enjoy it, the owner was really impressed and we just had fun performing. More about that later… might post some videos too!

Guess that’s all from me for now.. it’s home time!

Meh

Feeling extremely deflated at the moment. Sometimes I don’t know why I bother putting so much effort into trying to do (and not only do, but excel at) so many things at once. Sometimes I am so busy I don’t even have the time to pee. Life (not to mention my bladder) would be much more relaxed if perhaps I stopped trying to be superwoman. Stopped trying to have my cake and eat it too. (But I do so love a good vanilla cheesecake.. mmm…)

Meh. It’s late.. again. I never go to bed early enough. I’m always tired. I don’t have time to go to the gym anymore – I haven’t even been to my once a week yoga class in 2 weeks (which means I’m wasting money on gym membership fees). I haven’t been to hiphop dance class in a month and a half (which means I’m also wasting money on my dance studio membership fees). My neck and shoulders have knots the size of large boulders and are a constant discomfort/pain. I am struggling with RSI in my right wrist (the tendons are inflamed). I am almost constantly stressed. Still get sick too easily. I am really struggling financially. Plus my parents don’t approve of my life or choices. I never have time to do the things I need to do.

I just want a break from it all. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the brink of not being able to handle it.

Perhaps part-time music college + demanding full-time job + playing in a band + other hobbies/activities = It Is Not Possible.

Looong time no blog

Dayamn. It’s been over a month since my last blog. Hmm.. sometimes I wonder if it is worth keeping this up seeing as social sites such as Facebook appear to be taking over the (virtual) world and even the blogosphere. But on the other hand… it makes for a quieter blogscape. Which means a little more freedom to express. I think I likey.

Anyhoo. Lots of things have been happening in the life of Kazzart. The biggest would be my break up with Kwai (as of about a month and a half ago). There were many reasons and as always, these things are complicated. But I can definitely say that it had been a long time coming. It may have seemed a sudden thing to many people, but outsiders can never see what is truly going on under the surface. (I’m not going to get into the nitty-gritty details.)

Ok so what else has been happening. Life has been up and down, and as always busy as ever. Sometimes I almost feel like I’m drowning in all the things on my plate. Let’s list em out shall we:

• Work – this in itself would be enough to keep me busy as I’ve taken on a technical lead role part time (getting into scoping, estimates and functional requirements) as well as still a senior web developer the rest of the time!
• Music college (3rd and final term of my first year in Certificate of Music Studies) – for my Monday night class, the final musicianship assignment is due this coming Monday… I am SO not gonna have time to do this by Monday – I haven’t even started it yet!!! And we have to compose, arrange and score out an entire song of 3-4 mins length.
• Also my other module (the jazz performance ensemble class on Tuesday night) needs a lot of work. I’ve decided to do an arrangement of the old jazz standard “The Nearness Of You”. So far I only have a basic idea of the head arrangement – as half ballad and half gentle bossa (think Joao Gilberto). We had our first run through last Tues which went fairly well, and my teacher kindly suggested some reharmonisation of the chords for the ballad section – he even came up with some chords to use which was extremely useful! I am also imagining an intro of only 4-part horns harmony, based on the reharmonised chords, which I started last nite and am kinda halfway through writing. Then I will also need to write some simple harmonising/counterpoint horn lines for the bossa section of the song. Ack. I suck at writing horn lines. But I really want this arrangement and performance to be good because it’s gonna be a concert which we can invite people to – and I’ll be inviting my parents and friends along this time!
• Speaking of parents – my parents are also in London! They arrived last Saturday and will be here until end of August, travelling back and forth between London and various European destinations. It’s been nice having them here, staying with me, and they have even been cooking and cleaning! My flat sure is a lot cleaner now lol. But for some reason I’ve been getting less sleep and have been really tired this whole week. Guess it’s just affecting my regular schedule and sleep patterns.
• More with music – I’m playing in a jazz trio now (with people I know from college – and we actually have a name.. we’re gonna be called “The Sheridan Trio”). We have our first gig next Saturday 24th.. and so this weekend we’ll be rehearsing on Saturday AND Sunday to get the two sets down solid. If you’re interested the set list is:

  Set 1

  • Cantaloupe Island
  • But Not For Me
  • Freddie Freeloader
  • The Nearness of You
  • Blue Bossa
  • Autumn Leaves
  • Cry Me A River
  • Straight No Chaser

  Set 2

  • It Could Happen
  • Ain’t Misbehavin
  • Blue Room
  • Softly As In A Morning Sunrise
  • Since I Fell For You
  • All Of Me
  • Corcorvada
  • So What

  This gig is just at a private party, but we have a possibility of a public gig at an italian cafe in Soho called Piada, just a couple doors down from Ronnie Scotts! (I know the owner of this cafe because there is a Piada near my office too and I’m quite a regular there).

• I’m also still attempting to keep myself active, fit and healthy – though I haven’t even been to dance class in probably a month 🙁 and have only barely been able to make my weekly yoga class at the gym. I have, however, been trying a few new things – last week I tried an adult gymnastics class for the first time in like 20 years! I was able to do a front hand spring, but failed miserably when attempting the back hand spring (still have a bruise on my knee a week later for my efforts). I’m also intending on getting more into salsa.. particularly cuban salsa. I’ve had an on-off affair with salsa for the past 2 or so years and I keep meaning to get myself going regularly to a class, but I’ve just not found time in my ever-busy and ever-growing schedule. Hm.. and I’m trying to find the time now? LOL. One can only try eh.
• Travel – I still LOVE to and intend on travelling as much as finances will permit, which unfortunately atm, is not much at all. 🙁 I did take a recent mini-break to Madrid, Spain over the May long weekend (4-6th). It was a wonderful trip, and Madrid is a beautiful city, esp at that time of year. Not too hot, but pleasantly warm and sunny. We were quite lucky too with the weekend averaging a pleasant 28 degrees and plenty of sunshine! Took lots of photos too. Below are a sample of photos taken on a friend’s camera. I still have to upload the photos from my camera, but these will do for now. Enjoy. 🙂
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Well I think I’ve pretty much listed most of things keeping me busy at the moment. Obviously there are the usual household matters like grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, looking after bills and finances, look after Ella etc etc.

Anyway… I was kinda feeling a bit depressed today for some reason (which is what prompted me to blog). I think I get this way when I think too much about my life.. and the decisions and mistakes I’ve made. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever learn from my mistakes. And even though I’m doing a lot, “achieving” a lot and keeping myself mega-busy all the time.. I feel quite alone a lot of the time. Perhaps thats why I keep myself so busy.. so that I don’t notice it. I still don’t have many friends here in London, and no real, close friends. Sometimes when I really feel the need to talk to a good friend, to share the burdens on my mind, it just strikes me that I actually have nobody here I could do that with. All the people I would turn to and talk to are in Sydney – and even then, I’ve been away for so long (it’s been 3 years now!) that, well, people just forget about you. You lose touch, you’re on the other side of the world, you’re not a part of their lives anymore, and I think people just stop caring as much. It’s understandable for sure.. but it’s just.. a bit depressing when they are the only people you consider real friends and they’re just not available (or perhaps not interested) for the short time you catch them on msn. I’m really not sure what I can do about this. Of course I want to make friends here and I know I need to do this – but I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me. Maybe I just shouldn’t expect the same level of friendship that I have with those I spent many years growing up with. But even so.. I met people there that had quickly become close friends in only a matter of weeks. Why don’t I meet the same sort of people here? I still believe that it’s a cultural thing – that there is something about the culture and people’s mindset in London (and I hear this from other expats about British people in general too) that makes them more difficult to get to know, to form a close friendship with and have meaningful conversations with.

Meh. I dunno. I am possibly going to be staying in London a lot longer than I originally planned, so I think I really need to sort this issue of loneliness out. *sigh* Anyway.. well thats the latest (minus a few details ;)) from the life and mind of Kazzart. Bit of a mammoth post I know.. sorry!

The Balancing Act

Life is quite a balancing act. I’ve noticed this fact seems to become more and more true the older you get (as more “adult” responsibilities pile on).. and heck I’m only 29. (Yes, I only have one more year of being in my 20’s… *cries*) I’ve also noticed this balancing act seems to be more of a struggle the larger and more metropolitan the city in which you live. I’ve found life in London, for example, to be much more of a challenging balancing act than life in Sydney. I have to say, London would probably rate near the top as one of the most demanding & stressful cities (in the western world) to live in. I’m not the only one to make this observation.. I have heard it from many and varied people who have also lived in other cities around the world and can make the comparison.

But I guess you get used to the additional burdens over time and you get better at dealing with them as they come. It’s still a constant struggle because its like, as soon as you get used to one thing, something new comes along to challenge you – but I guess that’s what makes life interesting?

I always feel like there is so much I want to do and never enough days in the week, or hours in the day to fit in everything. Maybe I’m just particularly.. ambitious. I’ve never wanted to have a boring life. At the same time, I’ve never wanted a stressful, too-busy-to-stop-and-talk life either!! But there are so many wonderful, cool and interesting things in the world to try and experience! I don’t want to be a “pleb” – who just goes through life as expected, goes to work and goes home to eat and watch tv like a couch potato, has no time or energy for anything else, no other passions or hobbies they love, no inspirations to challenge themselves with, no new experiences to try and learn from. Having said that.. I also want to be someone who takes care of themself.. with all these things to do be it career or hobbies, I don’t want to be an overworked zombie whose health and body suffers because they just have no time to exercise or cook or eat healthily. I like my body and I think it deserves some T.L.C! It’s hard to strike that balance. I know I’m still learning…

Hm I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. I started it months ago and never got around to finishing it. So I have completely forgotten where I was going with it originally. Sorry. 😛 Hopefully you get the general sentiment. 🙂

Self-expression

It is interesting the things we turn to for self-expression when we feel down. I notice this in myself.. that I automatically turn towards creative avenues.. such as music, dance, video creation, or blogging. Funnily enough all these things are often combined into one – eg when I create a video, it can involve a combination of music, dance and/or blogging. Probably why I love making videos. Because there are so many possibilities with it.. there is so much freedom of expression, with many different avenues to choose from and combine into that one final creative piece.

And so it is when things get me down, I fall back to self-expression. I guess this also holds true when life goes well.. when something good happens, it is nice to share your joy over this medium. What is life without the ability to share it with others? But still I find myself more drawn to self-expression when I feel down. Same goes with writing music.. I always find myself more creative & more inspired, when I’m down. Is it some unwritten requirement that an artist must be of the “tortured soul” variety?

Meh.. enough meanderings for one day. It’s been a while since my last blog entry. A few good things have happened since then. I got a promotion at work yesterday.. well starting as of next week I suppose. Nice to know that hard work really does pay off sometimes.. 🙂

Pet Peeves

Warning: I might have been in a slightly bitchy mood whilst writing this….

1. People who smoke cigarettes anywhere in my vicinity, or even just the smell of it on someone’s clothes.. EWW! Secondhand smoke gives me a headache, a cough and makes me nauseous. Yes I’m sensitive to it. No I’m not just “putting it on”. Best thing that happened to London was the smoking ban!
2. People who binge drink (learn to socialise and have a good time WITHOUT the aid of alcohol!)
3. Commuting at peak time in London
4. Trains running late and/or having fewer carriages than normal at peak time in London
5. Sitting next to fat people or men (sorry guys.. it’s your broader shoulders) on the train.. fave seat buddies are skinny, small women! Memo to National Rail – stop assuming all people are one size – skinny!
6. People playing music on loudspeaker on their phone on the train/tram/bus.. if you can afford a phone, you can afford some cheapo earphones!
7. People who saunter along slowly & aimlessly during peak time in London and block everyone’s way. Same for human walls.
8. Tourists in London.. at peak time (notice a running theme here?!)
9. Ok.. so maybe I hate central London in general at peak time!!
10. People with absolutely no discernment whatsoever when it comes to food & coffee. This one is a BIG one. Including (but not exhaustively listing):
    • Starbucks (or Costa) coffees (real coffee is NOT burnt to crap – please someone do this city a favour and stop springing up starbucks on every street corner.. repeat after me: “quality over quantity”. I don’t understand how London, being relatively close to Italy, can just get it SO WRONG!)
    • McDonalds/KFC/Pizza Hut (or any other deep pan pizza joint.. and if you think a deep pan pizza is real pizza from Italy you deserve to be shot)
    • Subway (yeh… I have no idea what they put in their “baguettes” but that ain’t bread! Same with their cheese.. and meat.. And no, a subway sandwich is actually NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU. It’s all marketing.)
    • Wagamamas (Ughhhhhhhh… this one causes me no end of frustration. NO.. Wagamama’s does NOT serve genuine authentic chinese/japanese/malaysian/or any other asian cultures cuisine! Get a clue people! Try some REAL authentic cuisine and then realise that Wagamama’s food actually tastes akin to some cow dung cooked with soy sauce.)
    • Pizza Express.. not as bad as pizza hut, but still MILES off from even just a 1 euro takeaway reheated pizza slice in Italy (ps the place I’m referring to is in Venice)!
    • Yo Sushi (Complete and utter commercially marketed CRAP. If in London, the equivalent takeout sushi, Wasabi is SO much better – but don’t try the cooked food.. it’s just bulk cooked and reheated in the microwave!)
    • Tea with semi-skimmed milk (WHY? If you’re gonna use milk in that small quantity, then use the real stuff.. the difference in fat quantity is miniscule. But the taste difference is great. Full cream milk FTW!)
11. Fake people. Say what you mean, and do as you say you will. Empty promises and empty conversation make an empty person.
12. People who think they know about music… but don’t.
13. People who think they can dance… but can’t (more the youtube types than anyone in real life).

Fake

Reality checks are a painful but necessary part of life. Particularly when they involve ‘friends’. So I’ve decided I’m not gonna waste any more of my time or energy on fake people. I am who I am, and if my genuine upfront mindset about friendship doesn’t mesh well with the “London way”, so be it. I’m sure I will eventually find like-minded genuine people in this maze of superficiality. Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong place.

For now, I think I will just focus on what’s important.

Note to readers: Try not to make too many assumptions about what I may or may not be talking about here. I was quite deliberately cryptic 🙂 talking more about how I feel and my particular insights, than any details of my situation, or even my overall opinion of London. Of course if I have personally messaged you about this, you are exempt.

2008

So another year has gone by. How quickly they fly. (Hey that rhymes!) Ok serious now.. I can’t believe how fast 2007 went by. Esp the last 6 months in my new job. I guess time flies when you’re so damn busy all the time! But here we are in 2008. And I’ve made some new years resolutions to welcome the new year. I want 2008 to be focused on health and fitness.

Last year I think I accomplished a lot in terms of my career, my music, and travel. But sadly my health and fitness (and to a lesser degree, dancing) suffered under the strain of so many things on my plate. I got sick a lot and it seemed to take me a long time to recover.. to the point where (esp in the last few months) it felt like I was sick more often than I was well. I’ve also been dealing with a lot of back/neck/shoulder pain and problems. Recurring injuries flaring up again and again due to the stress and intensity of work. I really need to get this problem seen to, and also commit myself to a long term solution. Which brings me to fitness – I plan to really focus on exercising regularly – this will not only benefit my fitness but also is a longer term solution for both my back pain AND strengthening my immune system. I think I’ve let this slide too much in the 2 & 1/2 years I’ve been in London – I’ve succumbed to the London lifestyle (which is much unhealthier in general than that in Australia).

At the same time I think I need to tackle my stress levels. I’ve found myself getting more and more stressed more easily (esp the past 5-6 months in my new job). Part of it is due to the change in workload, part of it is due to Kwai being away for work during the week (which was a change in lifestyle and added responsibility), and part of it is my tendancy to want to have everything under control and an inability to sometimes just let things go. I think this stress contributes to my back problems and my health. Was listening to a song just last week, when I was feeling frustrated and stressed at my inability to even remotely keep to my resolutions of better health only 3 days into the new year – so far I’d eaten badly, not done any exercise, worked long hours, and had become very stressed. I noticed the songs lyrics for the first time, and they kinda clicked with me, like a sort of epiphany (don’t you love it when you get these moments).

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bird with broken wings
At times I dread my now and envy where I’ve been
But that’s when quiet wisdom takes control
At least I’ve got a story no one’s told

I’ve finally learned to say
Whatever will be will be
And I have learned to take
The good, the bad and breathe
‘Cause although we like
To know what life’s got planned
Thing like that are never in your hands
No one knows if shooting stars will land

And here is my New Years vlog:

Christmas Dinner 2007

A 5.7kg traditional roast goose with pork, sage & onion stuffing with apple sauce, cranberry sauce and gravy plus carrot and parsnips roasted with sage dressing, roast potatoes, gourmet stuffing of pork and mushrooms wrapped in bacon and finally pork and cranberry chipolata sausages wrapped in crispy bacon. Mmmmm….. It was yummy.