My Blue Heaven

Fake

Reality checks are a painful but necessary part of life. Particularly when they involve ‘friends’. So I’ve decided I’m not gonna waste any more of my time or energy on fake people. I am who I am, and if my genuine upfront mindset about friendship doesn’t mesh well with the “London way”, so be it. I’m sure I will eventually find like-minded genuine people in this maze of superficiality. Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong place.

For now, I think I will just focus on what’s important.

Note to readers: Try not to make too many assumptions about what I may or may not be talking about here. I was quite deliberately cryptic 🙂 talking more about how I feel and my particular insights, than any details of my situation, or even my overall opinion of London. Of course if I have personally messaged you about this, you are exempt.

2008

So another year has gone by. How quickly they fly. (Hey that rhymes!) Ok serious now.. I can’t believe how fast 2007 went by. Esp the last 6 months in my new job. I guess time flies when you’re so damn busy all the time! But here we are in 2008. And I’ve made some new years resolutions to welcome the new year. I want 2008 to be focused on health and fitness.

Last year I think I accomplished a lot in terms of my career, my music, and travel. But sadly my health and fitness (and to a lesser degree, dancing) suffered under the strain of so many things on my plate. I got sick a lot and it seemed to take me a long time to recover.. to the point where (esp in the last few months) it felt like I was sick more often than I was well. I’ve also been dealing with a lot of back/neck/shoulder pain and problems. Recurring injuries flaring up again and again due to the stress and intensity of work. I really need to get this problem seen to, and also commit myself to a long term solution. Which brings me to fitness – I plan to really focus on exercising regularly – this will not only benefit my fitness but also is a longer term solution for both my back pain AND strengthening my immune system. I think I’ve let this slide too much in the 2 & 1/2 years I’ve been in London – I’ve succumbed to the London lifestyle (which is much unhealthier in general than that in Australia).

At the same time I think I need to tackle my stress levels. I’ve found myself getting more and more stressed more easily (esp the past 5-6 months in my new job). Part of it is due to the change in workload, part of it is due to Kwai being away for work during the week (which was a change in lifestyle and added responsibility), and part of it is my tendancy to want to have everything under control and an inability to sometimes just let things go. I think this stress contributes to my back problems and my health. Was listening to a song just last week, when I was feeling frustrated and stressed at my inability to even remotely keep to my resolutions of better health only 3 days into the new year – so far I’d eaten badly, not done any exercise, worked long hours, and had become very stressed. I noticed the songs lyrics for the first time, and they kinda clicked with me, like a sort of epiphany (don’t you love it when you get these moments).

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bird with broken wings
At times I dread my now and envy where I’ve been
But that’s when quiet wisdom takes control
At least I’ve got a story no one’s told

I’ve finally learned to say
Whatever will be will be
And I have learned to take
The good, the bad and breathe
‘Cause although we like
To know what life’s got planned
Thing like that are never in your hands
No one knows if shooting stars will land

And here is my New Years vlog:

Thought of the day

How many times have I learnt in my life that I should never try to be somebody I’m not. Yet how many times have I put myself into situations where I compromise who I am in order to fit into what people pressure me to be, in order to please them or fit in (and why am I always about pleasing others anyway)? It is probably one of my biggest weaknesses, yet knowing what my weaknesses are doesn’t really seem to make a difference or change anything. And people take advantage of it. It always starts bit by bit.. tiny incremental compromises.. and before I know it, I just find myself miserable because I feel chained inside this fake persona that I’m not really carrying off very well to begin with.

Meh. My life has a tendancy to go to crap whenever I start pretending. So I think I should stop. I am who I am and I am happy with that.

My VisualDNA Profile

Blog thing

Your Depression Level: 84%

You seem to be severely depressed. You should seek immediate attention from your physician. Depression can be cured – you just need to take the first step.

Are You Depressed?

Happy 2007

Wow. Can’t believe it’s 2007 already. How time flies.

Normally I try to write some sort of profound new years blog entry, but I seem to be lacking inspiration this year. Oh well. You can watch my NYE vlog instead. 🙂

Btw, I don’t expect to travel to ALL those locations I listed this year.. they were merely a list of possible destinations that I am interested in seeing. My resolutions are more like.. medium term goals over this year. Just some things I want to achieve this year, things that are important to me, to help keep me focused and disciplined when I get lazy/distracted/tired. (And the list isn’t all-inclusive.) And yes the editing is a bit choppy… Kwai did alot of it and we were in a hurry coz it was NYE and we needed to get out to watch the fireworks.

Myself and Kwai went to see the fireworks on NYE here in London, over the Thames. It was pretty cool, for London. Nothing compared to Sydney of course, but a good show nonetheless. And the atmosphere was pretty cool… for once people in London seemed warm and friendly and actually spoke to each other (or maybe it was just the alcohol).. but there was definitely a celebratory festive air on the banks of the Thames that night. Then we went home.. and it only took about an hour and half.. (which was quite good for NYE).. and stayed up till 5:30am celebrating the new year with our friends from around the world on stickam (ok it wasn’t as sad as it sounds.. it was fun) and watched the live video of Times Square celebrations in New York.

Coming up soon is our trip to Florence, Italy. We’re gonna spend 5 days in Florence for my birthday in mid jan. Can’t wait! It’ll be nice to just soak in the beauty, the art and the food of Florence over a relaxing 5 days.. no rushing from one city to another this time. 🙂

Fotos

Some photos I took in December from my work. Pretty views of english countryside at dusk, during those few days we had such bad fog in London that they cancelled heaps of flights.

Balance

My word of the week. Balance. I’ve been musing over this concept recently and how much of a juggling act life is. Balancing work, sleep, household chores, friends, partners, health, fitness, hobbies, other activities, and even just time-out alone to reflect. All these are good things and a necessary part of life, but when one activity grows out of proportion to the exclusion of other activities.. I think it can become a not-so-good thing. I guess this might seem pretty obvious. But maybe not to all. Say work – it is a necessary thing to earn income to survive. And some may even really enjoy their work. Though for most it is probably a mix of good and bad. But when it takes over your life.. working say 10 – 12 hours a day.. what’s the point? You may earn more money, but you have no time to enjoy that money, and other aspects of your life slowly disintergrate due to lack of attention – be it health, fitness, relationships, family. Same could probably be said of other things.. hobbies, commitments other than work, even partners. Spend all your time with a partner and no time with anyone else, and you end up with no friends. (Or the other way around.) Or spend all your hours surfing the net, to the detriment of your sleep and life, and you end up tired, late for work and neglect to do necessary things in real life, like household chores or paying bills! And so on.

I guess this is something that is important to me. I’ve always kinda rebelled against the idea of my life being so monopolised by one activity that I have no time for anything else. There is so much in life to enjoy and experience, to learn and grow. I guess I *expect* it of myself to be able to make time for and balance the things that are important to me. (I suppose you’d first have to figure out what actually is important to you.) Some things that I wish to balance in my life include: work, eat, sleep, music (learning/playing piano), music (listening/watching gigs), dancing, fitness & health, partner, friends, time-out/reflection, learning & growing (mentally, emotionally and spiritually), household stuff (cleaning, finances etc) and more recently travel (see/experience new things).

Hrmm. It’s gotten so cold in London so quickly.

Hello stranger

Why was forming friendships so much easier when we were younger? What is it about people, that as we grow older, we are less willing (or able?) to form new meaningful relationships with other people. I’m not talking about shallow acquaintances that you meet once or twice at a bar.. but a meaningful (platonic) friendship where you connect on a deeper level, with that level of trust and openness to share what is in your heart.

Is it lazyness? The fact that by this age, most everyone already has an established circle of close friends/partner and feels no need to form new ones. Is it lack of trust, that past experiences have taught them cynicism or bitterness, to be less open, to avoid getting hurt. Or is it just some shy individual’s fault, that they just don’t try hard enough to connect with people.
And whilst we’re on that.. why is it that people often seem to love the outgoing loud person, and ignore the quieter, shy one. It’s like an automatic labelling: loud = friendly, shy = unfriendly. Is that necessarily true? I’m sure that the shy person is just as keen on forming friendships.. equally in need of meaningful companionship. Maybe they just don’t get the chance to get a word in edgewise, in the cacophony of noise everyone else is making. Maybe it’s how life is now.. where everyone and everything is shouting louder and louder to be heard, and the ones that don’t, sink into oblivion.

Hrmm.. I should probably stop listening to Bluebottle Kiss.. makes my posts kinda angsty. Not that I can understand half the lyrics… I mean, does ANYONE out there know the lyrics to “Hello Stranger”? I’ve searched all of google and can’t find it anywhere. I can’t understand a word he’s saying except “Hello Stranger”!

Blah. The cryptic musings have resurfaced!

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention
And you know how much I need you
But you never even see me

Current listening :: “Hello Stranger” – Bluebottle Kiss

Just alright

I find it mildly annoying when people ask me how I am, and I reply with an “I’m alright“, to which they reply somewhat disbelievingly “Just alright?” or even more sensitively “come on go harder“. What the?

<rant>

Yes. I am “just” alright. Not great, not fantastic, not even good. I can’t honestly say that my life here is great. Coz its not. I’m not “livin it up” and “partying in london” as lots of expats from Australia seem to. I don’t know why my experience seems so different. Why I’m not “loving london” like all the other Aussies seem to. Ok, maybe I’m not all that different and I just don’t know about the people that are struggling too. But maybe I am different. Maybe its because I have different expectations in life. I don’t find my happiness in going out and getting drunk and partying at bars and pubs. In fact I find that totally boring and pointless. Clubs I don’t mind because dancing is involved, but I *still* haven’t gone clubbing here.. prob because I can’t afford it. Which brings me to this.. perhaps its due to financial restrictions. I don’t have much money these days (due to factors that I won’t go into), and that makes life quite hard – esp here in London. London is great fun… if you’ve got money. It’s a struggle to meet all the bills and rent and groceries and transport costs etc. I suppose if I had lots of money, my life quality might be different. But then, isn’t that being materialistic? I guess.. but I think that sort of judgement is easier to make when you do have enough money.. say when you still live off your parents, or even have moved out but are happily married with 2 decent incomes. But when things start to get harder.. it becomes.. not such an easy thing. Of course in the grand scheme of things, yes yes, I’m still quite lucky and all. It’s not all that bad and there are lots of people much worse off than me. But still, I find myself kinda envying those who can afford to do things like go on holidays to Italy or elsewhere.. things that were part of my reason for coming here. (I guess I can kiss going skiing in europe goodbye 🙁 ) Or even other things like being able to buy enough basic furniture for the flat so they don’t have to live out of boxes. Or afford to live closer to central london. Ok I know its bad to compare myself to other people (along with danger of coveting). But the way I’m thinking about it is that I could have done better for myself. Given my background, my education, training and opportunities (which have all been very good and a blessing).. there is no logical reason I shouldn’t be in a better situation. I guess I feel like its kinda a failure on my part. (I mean its not even because I’m deliberately putting myself here due to noble and selfless acts of great giving/sacrifice.) Am I being too hard on myself? I dunno. I know I shouldn’t really complain.. but to explain.. I guess I’ve never been in this sorta situation before.. and I’m finding it a bit hard to accept. It’s easy to say “yeh I don’t care about money” when you have enough and it doesn’t really affect your life much.

Anyway. I feel a bit sad too. About people. Friends (or lack thereof). Losing touch. That sorta thing. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. Or maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I wonder where my life will lead. I wonder if I’m doomed for an unhappy life. Like so many out there.

</rant>

Ok enough about money and all things dismal. To put things into perspective for myself, its not that bad. I can still “afford” just a few small “luxuries”, like gym and dance class and broadband internet (though realistically.. my budget and bank account would probably look healthier without those things). But have to give up other things.. like piano classes :(, a bookshelf, new clothes anytime soon, a holiday anytime soon, and at this point, even a flight back to Sydney anytime soon.. heheh. *sigh* Oh wells. Here’s hoping things get better in the future.

Hmm. Strangely enough, I feel a bit better now. Go cathartic blogging. I do have a lot to be thankful for.. I have been able to experience lots of cool and different things over here and have managed to do some travel (last year). Gotta try and stay positive.. see the bigger picture.. get the perspective. I guess I’m alright. Just alright.

Yay for meme’s

Thanks to Vron. 🙂

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4.
There are now two tabs named Form1.cs above the Code and Text Editor/Design View

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
My work computer 17 inch flat screen monitor

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Family Guy season 1, episode 1. Ooh yeh. 🙂 (Well not on tv.. on the computer, but hey its a tv show)

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is
10:40am

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
10:41am

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Annoying loud drilling from building construction works next door

7: When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
An hour ago. Running slightly late for work.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
My sitemeter stats

9: What are you wearing?
White singlet top, brown pleated mini skirt, brown Jack Johnson hoodie, brown havaianas

10: Did you dream last night?
Yes. Vividly, as usual.

11: When did you last laugh?
Last night out at drinkstag in Bank (cbd of london) with Kwai and a friend we met in Frankfurt, nicknamed Spiceboy. Good times. 🙂

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
A couple of black and white framed photos of famous classic stars – dunno who they are though

13: Seen anything weird lately?
A particular YouTube video which is mega cringeworthy and decidedly wierd (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMHRkISRj18)

14(a): What is the last book you finished?
Hmm.. I haven’t actually *finished* a book in a long time. I think it would be Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last year.

14(b): What book are you currently reading?
“Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” – Steven R Covey (yes I’m *still* reading this – its only been a year :-\)

15: What is the last film you saw?
United 93 and Poseidon.. one right after the other

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
I think Vron’s suggestion is good.. go on holidays.. probably to Frankfurt and watch a game of the World Cup! But before that.. a flight for Kwai to go to Budapest to do the final stage of his tooth implant and crown, and a bookshelf and bedside drawer for the flat (because I can’t afford it at the moment 🙁 )

17: Tell me something about you that I don’t know
I hate wearing bras. I just find them really uncomfortable and binding on my ribs. No matter what sort. Yet I still wear em. In fact, I find my “going out” clothes pretty uncomfortable in general.. I don’t really like wearing them, and I much prefer slumming at home in loose comfy clothing, a bathrobe or nothing (german influence!) I think I have a low “comfort” threshold when it comes to clothing.. and even lower for shoes. I can’t wear strappy high heels to save my life. As much as I love how glam girly clothes & shoes look.. *sigh*

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Erradicate any form of smoking anywhere at any time!

19: Do you like to dance?
Does a dog have four legs? Hell yeh! 🙂 I dance mainly hiphop, funk, jazz and salsa.

20: What is the last thing you ate or drank?
A caffe latte and water. Mmm.. caffeeeiine.. (hey it was only 10:30am and I was already falling asleep at the desk)

21(a): Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Umm. Not too sure.. something pretty though.. like maybe Jasmine..

21(b): Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
No idea. I think I’d prefer a baby girl anyways 😛 Not that I want children any time soon.

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?
Hah. Been there done that baby. Am living in London right now.. but if I were to move elsewhere, I’d love to live in Europe for a bit.. Brussels or Frankfurt.. or somewhere in France. 🙂 Otherwise New York sounds cool too.

Current listening :: “Dirty Dancing” – Black Eyed Peas