A glimpse into the life and mind of Kazzart
Weekend Round-Up
This weekend my sleeping pattern was ALL OVER THE SHOP, reminiscent of my early 20s. Getting up in the PM every day, sleeping for 11 hours on Friday night, then Netflix bingeing a new show till 5:30 am (I watched nearly the entire season of new Colombian Drama / Fantasy “Always A Witch” in one sitting) whilst my partner (let’s call him A) was up even later playing the new Resident Evil on PS4 till 7 am. Finally, we were out Sunday night at a monthly dancers jam (that A also DJs at) so we didn’t get home till nearly midnight, felt peckish, ended up cooking some udon at midnight something before going to bed. Not exactly embodying my Way Of Being of “Healthy”!
BUT I did manage to do some light training yesterday (mainly abs and stretching) plus I danced last night, which my body was really craving after two whole weeks of doing absolutely nothing whilst healing my hand injury (torn flexor retinaculum). Kazz does not like an inactive lifestyle!
My partner and I also went shopping on Saturday which was lovely. We ended up in Liberty where he bought me my very first proper hat. I’m not normally a hat person and I’ve never worn one as a fashion accessory before so I’m half hoping I haven’t made a mistake in getting this (ie will I actually wear it much?) and half thinking it’s good to step outside one’s comfort zone every so often and why the hell not if it looks good on me?
Anyway, I’ve spent way too long writing this weekend round-up. This style of blogging is suprisingly hard for me nowadays. It’s like part of me is resisting it, overthinking it, caring too much. #RecoveringPerfectionist. Meh. My brain has been all over the place these past few days.
Kazz signing out.
more » Posted on Monday, February 11th, 2019 | No Comments »Being A Creator
I’ve been contemplating the concept of creativity lately. My theme for 2019 is Create. One of my ways of being (ie how I most want to show up in the world – a concept I learned in The Holiday Council) for both last year and this year is “creative”. Thinking back, I have always had the urge to create and to express myself through my creations. It could be writing a blog, creating a video blog, making music, dancing, taking photos for my instagram.. there’s always been something.
But in the most recent years, I feel like I’ve lost a bit of that personal touch. Perhaps I simply turned inward for some time, as I delved into the last 3-4 years of personal development and growth. Perhaps it was that I was swept up, along with the rest of the internet, in the whole social media persona game. Only presenting my very best curated self to the world. And being real somehow became scary. What did I have to offer that was relevant or worthwhile in today’s competitive information-overloaded world, where everyone and their pet has a blog/insta/snapchat/twitter? I’d like to recapture the charm of my old blog posts, but does anyone in the blogosphere really care about what I ate or how my workout went anymore? It’s hard to compete with “Top 5 Ways To Live Your Best Life” (or insert any other topic of self-improvement / life hack / body sculpting / career coaching etc) type of blogs out there. But perhaps it’s not about competing at all. Creating is simply about courageously offering what only you can offer. As Elizabeth Gilbert puts it, “Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within you?”
Serendipitously, whilst chewing on the self-doubt that crept its way into my mind, I discovered a mention on twitter from 2 months ago which I’d completely missed.
Apparently, my anecdotal personal creations and overwhelming desire to share my life with the world-wide-web inspired someone and changed their life for the better 9 years ago. Wow. That was an emotional moment for me. Especially when they told me I make the world a better place. Nobody has ever said that to me before – whether about my online creations or in real life!
Well.. if that isn’t a sign from the universe that my creations matter to someone..
I guess I have the answer to my doubts. I guess I will keep being a creator.. both because of the positive effect it can have on someone’s life and because it is inherently part of who I am. We are all creators deep down.
more » Posted on Thursday, February 7th, 2019 | No Comments »Blog Revival?
Been reading through my old blog posts from early-mid 2000s recently and they make me smile and reminisce. They’ve also inspired me somewhat. I’m feeling the urge to blog again. But I don’t want my posts to be polished, overly edited in that “journalism” way. I don’t want to feel pressured to write something deep and meaningful. I want them to be like my old blog posts – authentic, quirky, conversational, real.. a snapshot into my life at that moment, on that day.
I’ve attempted to revive my blogging habit a few times over the years but they’ve always fizzled out. Let’s see if this attempt sticks. The internet is a very different beast these days. I kinda miss the old days. There was a lot of charm in the blogosphere back then. An innocence and childlike wonder in sharing one’s life on the internet and just seeing if it connects or resonates with someone.
Ok so, in the spirit of old blogging days. Tonight I watched Alita with my partner and his friend. Interesting movie. I’m totally not an anime/manga watcher/reader so I went in with zero expectations. I do like all things sci-fi and fantasy so it was enjoyable for me but… I just found the ending a bit.. unsatisfying.
Well, it’s late. Bedfordshire for me.
more » Posted on Thursday, February 7th, 2019 | No Comments »A Letter To The Past
I wrote a letter to my past self during a self development online course I did last year called The Joy Equation. This letter was our homework exercise for the first week “Develop Fierce Self Love”, which focused on cultivating a strong sense of self-worth, developing inner resilience and practice kindness towards yourself without an agenda of improvement. It was truly an eye opening week for me, opening me to some pretty deep soul searching down memory lane. One big AHA moment was the realisation that my high school experiences when I was 14 (lasting 2 years) lead me to form a certain belief about myself that simply was not true.. it was where I lost my sense of worthiness. And it was a belief that rooted itself deep within me, forming much of who I am today – and though my adult mind knows it is not true, changing it is not easy and is a work in progress. The task was to write a letter to my past self – showering her with understanding, forgiveness and hope.
…
Dear 14-Year-Old Me,
I know that right now, you are feeling completely alone, rejected and unwanted at school. That you cried your eyes out in the toilets when you found out your “friends” actually weren’t your friends and really didn’t like you much at all. You feel embarrassed and ashamed that your class mates tease you for having no friends, call you names like “Sony – The one and only”. Your self-esteem is pretty much rock bottom right now. In fact, it’s been torn to pieces. And you cry yourself to sleep night after night, wishing, hoping, longing for friendship and love. You daydream about belonging in a group of friends and being loved.
I know that during this period you come to believe that you are, at your core, simply unlovable. That there must be just something wrong with you. Because this is the only reason you can think of, or comprehend why everyone has rejected you. Why nobody likes you or wants to be your friend. For two whole years you will suffer through this. But sweetheart, THIS IS COMPLETELY UNTRUE!
You probably will never really know WHY your school peers did what they did. Kids act in strange ways – people are cowards and they follow the crowd. For some reason this idea of “not being her friend” caught on with the whole grade and you were left to struggle through it alone. But you cannot blame yourself! I’ll tell you why.
You are absolutely loveable: Yes you are. You are a precious happy-go-lucky girl who was full of hope, optimism and sunshine. Remember how infatuated R was with you in the 7th grade. He even bought you a gold bracelet, he was so in love! And how L gave you that rose on valentines day in 8th grade? How you treasured your first ever rose, breathing in it’s sweet scent, hidden on your window sill every night. Your heart is tender, sensitive, vulnerable and shy. These are beautiful, innocent things about you – but that light within you became dark over those two years. Don’t believe for one second that you are not worthy of friendship, acceptance, belonging and love. Because remember – you were loved by those who mattered. Your family and your church youth group friends who totally saved you – those fortnightly youth group meetings became what you lived for, always counting the days until the next one.
You are strong: You know what – sometimes it is better to stand apart and follow your own path. Doing this at the tender age of 14 is a bit of an ask. But in the end, guess what, it just made you into a strong independent woman! Heck – things like going to the movies alone or eating out alone – so many girls were scared or self-conscious about doing that, but not you! Pfft.. piece of cake (yummy too!) More power to you girl! You realised that if you wanted to do or have something, you could just go and do it – without someone to hold your hand. So what if you weren’t popular or adored by others, didn’t have your “clique” – that shit is shallow and fickle as the wind. This experience taught you to start journalling, something you carried through many years. Sure some stupid kids stole your diary and made fun of your heart felt writings one day. But you rose above that. You didn’t retaliate – that is quiet inner strength right there. It also made you appreciate and love music and books which you used to escape. A healthy outlet – much better than turning to alcohol or smoking or drugs.
You are awesome: You have no idea girl of the amazing life you are gonna live in the next 20 years. How you will grow up out of your awkward teenage years, and truly blossom into a stunning sexy woman. Beautiful on the inside and out, deeply loving & passionate, smart, funny, talented, creative soul. You are gonna have some pretty cool experiences – and in a way, you have these two difficult years to thank for that. Because this experience drove you to push yourself to achieve things, to put yourself out there, not be afraid of trying new things – and you discover that heck, you love a challenge! You love dancing and go on to dance on a near professional level even though its only a “hobby”. You enter street dance battles and even win one! You perform. You start learning circus aerial arts – a huge physically challenging activity, which only makes it even more appealing to you. You get into music through your piano playing, discover your love for jazz and even form a jazz trio for a bit – and get paid to perform in a restaurant in Soho in the West End. All the while, enjoying a thriving career as a successful web developer in one of London’s best digital agencies. Umm… hello awesomeness?
You are most definitely ENOUGH: Those are some pretty huge achievements and talents you have. So you have absolutely no reason to believe that you are not worthy of love. Or that you need a boys love or lots of friend’s approval and admiration to make you feel validated. You definitely get your fair share of men’s attention (particularly in your late 20s and 30s) – but don’t base your self-worth on that. Or your achievements. Because your worth comes from within. And at the core, you are an amazing, loveable, strong, awesome human being. YOU ARE ENOUGH. As you are, right now, in the past, in the future. All your flaws, imperfections, selfishness, vanity… you as a Work In Progress Woman are ENOUGH!
So hey, go easy on yourself ok? Be kind, be compassionate, be gentle. Gift yourself that love you lack from your peers. Because true self love comes from within.
Lots of love,
36-Year-Old Me
I am enough – My Manifesto
I am enough
I am radiant and delight in experiencing life’s journey to the full. I wholeheartedly give love and crave being loved. I long for authentic, meaningful, intimate connections. I am kind, genuine and sensitive. I am also insecure and needy. I am still enough.
I can be quite reserved and shy, and maybe it makes me come across as unfriendly. But I can also be completely uninhibitedly silly around those I trust. I let people in with my whole heart once I trust them. I am playful, witty, affectionate and sometimes downright childish. I am afraid of confrontation and conflict. I am still enough.
I am a woman. The divine feminine, emotional, sensual. I love feeling beautiful, sexy and strong. I am indulgent, sometimes vain and attention seeking. I am also highly logical, geeky, slightly Type A and I love to plan. I can be controlling, overthink things and a perfectionist. I love with an open heart even if I am hurting. I am messy, usually running late and have a terrible tendency to hoard stuff. I am still enough.
I am intelligent, hard working, driven and push myself to do my best if I am passionate about what I am doing. I believe I can do anything I truly set out to achieve. I am capable and I am badass. But if I am unstimulated I lack self control and easily become bored and unmotivated. I too often procrastinate boring “adulting” tasks. I can be overly critical and judgemental – of both myself and others. Yet I am still enough.
I accept that practicing joy and gratitude when things don’t go well is never going to be easy. I too often compare myself with others or seek external validation. I accept that sometimes I feel so isolated, depressed and lonely that I don’t know what to do with myself. I accept that life is messy and painful, sometimes as the result of my own big mistakes, and I am going to inevitably feel sadness and regret as a part of learning and growing. I also know that I can find peace and centering in healthy activities like yoga & meditation, and I am grateful for emotional release in artistic expressions like playing piano, dance and aerial arts. I also accept that sometimes I just need to distract myself with some netflix, a glass of wine or indulge in a pampering massage. I am still enough.
I am obsessed with good coffee, good food, yoga, doing physically challenging things in general, journalling and my gorgeous kitty cat Miss Ella. I love feeling the warm summer sun on my skin and swimming in the sea. I am an Aussie beach babe at heart. I am a city girl too. I love deep soul baring conversations. I love travelling and exploring this wonderfully beautifully diverse world around us. I love just being at home, cooking a delicious meal and snuggling with my man. I am warm, present, introspective, joyfully appreciating, soul searching, loving and living. I am an introverted, artistic ISFP in love with the world around me – it’s taste, touch, smell and sound.
And I am enough.
(Inspired by a blog post written by the amazing & inspiring Molly Mahar, founder of Stratejoy.com, whose courses & encouragement has helped me over the past 6 or so months get through one of the most difficult phases of my life.)
more » Posted on Thursday, February 11th, 2016 | No Comments »They Weren’t There
You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, “wait for me we’ll fly the wind,
We’ll grow old and you’ll be stronger without him” but oh,
Now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…
But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare of
Any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand
And led through fields of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.
You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could’ve past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn’t say,
I wouldn’t say “no”. But they all said, “you’re too young to even know,
Just don’t let it grow and you’ll be stronger without him”
But oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…
But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.
Any Day Now
How long, how long, how long will we take to come undone?
If you know the answer tell me now and I’ll write up a calendar for our count down.
‘Cos what if what we see is all, is all we’ve got?
Say you’ve kept some fire aside to set light to me some surprising night.
And say you’ve locked some fire away to set light to me some surprising day.
To me some surprising day, any day now…
How come, how come, how come I’m now on a road holding out my thumb?
If you know my destination please buy me the fastest car and throw me the keys.
‘Cos what if what we see is all, is all we’ve got?
Say you’ve kept some fire aside to set light to me some surprising night.
And say you’ve locked some fire away to set light to me some surprising day.
‘Cos finger by finger we’re losing grasp and
I’m questioning the reasons why nothing beautiful does last…
Say you’ve kept some fire aside to set light to me some surprising night.
And say you’ve locked some fire away to set light to me some surprising day,
To me some surprising day… any day now.
The Journey
Heart, don’t fail me now
Courage, don’t desert me
Don’t turn back now that we’re here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear!
Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I’m trusting you
On this journey…
One step at a time
One hope, then another
Who knows where
This road may go
Back to who I was
On to find my future
Things my heart still
Needs to know
Courage see me through
Heart I’m trusting you
To bring me home…
At last..
(NB: Lyrics modified slightly)
more » Posted on Wednesday, March 16th, 2011 | No Comments »Ruminations
(Warning: melancholy ruminations ahead)
People have sometimes wondered, have even mentioned to me in the past that I come across a bit reserved or closed. That it’s like I’m holding back.
I’m not like that with the few people I trust and know very well (quite the opposite in fact), but I guess I’ve just had too many bad experiences with “friends”. Where I start to become comfortable with people, showing who I really am… I let my guard down, I become myself, I start to trust… and time and again (for reasons unknown to me) it’s turned people away. People that I thought were my friends. And I wonder if people will ever like me for who I am. Or if there is simply something wrong with me. It’s an experience I’ve had since I was a child. I remember very well the first time it happened. I was 11 and in my final year of primary school. For reasons still unknown to me, my friends turned against me and I was alone. I thought to myself – well that’s fine, I’m leaving here soon to go to high school, I can leave all this behind and start fresh. But it happened again. This time I was 14. I remember the day it happened. All too well. It was worse this time – for 2 years I was “friendless” at school. Do you have any idea how this affects your self-confidence at that tender age? I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered from it (ha.. obviously not judging from this blog post). And again I don’t know what I did wrong. Why it happened.
This never really happened to such extremes again – I guess because as people grow older they become a bit more aware of socially correct behaviour and less peer pressure minded, and also I eventually learnt to put up a barrier. A version of myself that was safe.. that people seemed to like. Though it took a while for me to develop this, working through many insecurities along the way. And I must admit, I have long lost my trust in “friendships”. It’s funny many girls lose trust in guys. I lose trust in… people. But strange enough, my romantic relationships are fine!
Anyway.. back to the present. Even now, sometimes, I have seen “the change” in people, a subtle change in their behaviour towards me. And I still experience disappointment when I let my guard down. Gosh I make it sound like I’m hiding a monster inside but it’s not the case at all. At least I hope not (ha see I can even joke about it a bit now)! It’s a lot more subtle now, to the point where I am not even sure if I am being overly sensitive and imagining it.
This post wasn’t meant to be all about my demons from the past. But I guess the memories were stirred by recent experiences in my life. My feeling/dread that maybe some things will never change no matter how old we grow. That maybe I will never be able to be myself with all my friends. Should I even call them friend’s if this is the case? And that perhaps I’m in for a long and lonely existence. Maybe it’s partly self inflicting. Maybe it’s a vicious circle? I thought I had broken out of it for a few glorious months during my last few months in Sydney. They were the happiest months of my life. But since coming to London, that all evaporated. What I do know, is that most people I know would be quite surprised by all these.. thoughts.. of mine. Maybe they just have the wrong girl.
So the floodgates open but nothing comes out
I’m feeling no relief in my head, just doubt
But my heart keeps telling me ‘hold your ground
You’ll never learn a thing if you bail out now’
And I’m lonely again tonight
I can feel it like a knot in my side
They keep saying this is part of the ride
But I’m not getting stronger
Yet hold me against the light
And do you see any bullet inside?
Wouldn’t find one if you magnified
Because you’ve got the wrong girl
Hope
First there was innocence, hope
But then came disappointment and hurt
Sadness, loneliness and depression followed
Eventually turning into anger, resentment
And finally bitterness
But yet, behind all the protective layers
There still hides that little girl with hurt innocent eyes
Looking out at the world
In hope