Ruminations
5:37 pm Mon, 7th March 2011(Warning: melancholy ruminations ahead)
People have sometimes wondered, have even mentioned to me in the past that I come across a bit reserved or closed. That it’s like I’m holding back.
I’m not like that with the few people I trust and know very well (quite the opposite in fact), but I guess I’ve just had too many bad experiences with “friends”. Where I start to become comfortable with people, showing who I really am… I let my guard down, I become myself, I start to trust… and time and again (for reasons unknown to me) it’s turned people away. People that I thought were my friends. And I wonder if people will ever like me for who I am. Or if there is simply something wrong with me. It’s an experience I’ve had since I was a child. I remember very well the first time it happened. I was 11 and in my final year of primary school. For reasons still unknown to me, my friends turned against me and I was alone. I thought to myself – well that’s fine, I’m leaving here soon to go to high school, I can leave all this behind and start fresh. But it happened again. This time I was 14. I remember the day it happened. All too well. It was worse this time – for 2 years I was “friendless” at school. Do you have any idea how this affects your self-confidence at that tender age? I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered from it (ha.. obviously not judging from this blog post). And again I don’t know what I did wrong. Why it happened.
This never really happened to such extremes again – I guess because as people grow older they become a bit more aware of socially correct behaviour and less peer pressure minded, and also I eventually learnt to put up a barrier. A version of myself that was safe.. that people seemed to like. Though it took a while for me to develop this, working through many insecurities along the way. And I must admit, I have long lost my trust in “friendships”. It’s funny many girls lose trust in guys. I lose trust in… people. But strange enough, my romantic relationships are fine!
Anyway.. back to the present. Even now, sometimes, I have seen “the change” in people, a subtle change in their behaviour towards me. And I still experience disappointment when I let my guard down. Gosh I make it sound like I’m hiding a monster inside but it’s not the case at all. At least I hope not (ha see I can even joke about it a bit now)! It’s a lot more subtle now, to the point where I am not even sure if I am being overly sensitive and imagining it.
This post wasn’t meant to be all about my demons from the past. But I guess the memories were stirred by recent experiences in my life. My feeling/dread that maybe some things will never change no matter how old we grow. That maybe I will never be able to be myself with all my friends. Should I even call them friend’s if this is the case? And that perhaps I’m in for a long and lonely existence. Maybe it’s partly self inflicting. Maybe it’s a vicious circle? I thought I had broken out of it for a few glorious months during my last few months in Sydney. They were the happiest months of my life. But since coming to London, that all evaporated. What I do know, is that most people I know would be quite surprised by all these.. thoughts.. of mine. Maybe they just have the wrong girl.
So the floodgates open but nothing comes out
I’m feeling no relief in my head, just doubt
But my heart keeps telling me ‘hold your ground
You’ll never learn a thing if you bail out now’
And I’m lonely again tonight
I can feel it like a knot in my side
They keep saying this is part of the ride
But I’m not getting stronger
Yet hold me against the light
And do you see any bullet inside?
Wouldn’t find one if you magnified
Because you’ve got the wrong girl
5 Comments on “Ruminations”
Jessicqa
Mar 28, 2011
Funny that you should post something like this…I have felt the exact same way all my life…and I am not hiding a monster, just a person who sees and feels things just a little differently than most. 🙂
Nice to know that I’m not alone!
Kazzart
Mar 28, 2011
Thank you for your comment! I have been debating whether to hide this post or not. Now I am glad I didn’t. It is readers like you that make it worthwhile for me to share my life and thoughts. 🙂
Aquiles5
Apr 1, 2011
Well, the funny thing about people is that there really is no way of knowing them to the fullest. There will always be a portion of their life which they will never reveal to others, no matter what level of intimacy they cherish with the other.
This is not necessarily a bad thing though; I even dare say this is simply a person’s way of maintaining his/her sense of identity. So when it feels like you have to “hold back” something from others, don’t feel bad about yourself, that’s just you being human.
Of course nothing beats finding good, trustworthy folks out there whom you can absolutely depend on. I am lucky enough to find a handful of people like these in my life (drinking buddies and childhood friends from way, way back mostly). So don’t despair, the world is a big place occupied by a lot of people, and your good qualities will eventually draw them to you. ^__^d
Rosy
Jul 14, 2012
Hiya,
Just wanted to say that I completely understand the feeling. In particular, I have to say that I never really felt close to other women/girls because of experiencing the elementary school “shut-out” that you described so well. They would suddenly stop talking to me too. Do you find it easier to talk to men then? I have a large number of male friends but very few good women friends. Anyway, I love your blog. Are you still in London? How is the Olympic prep affecting you? Hope you are well and best of luck with all you do.
Kazzart
Jul 10, 2013
Hi Rosy, thanks for your comment. Really sorry I’ve been very out of touch with my blog this past year or so and only saw many of these comments! To answer, yes I do tend to have many more male friends than female – always seems to have been this way for me since high school! I am still in London now, Olympics came and went without too much effect on me lol. Where are you based – in the states? Anyway, wish you all the best. 🙂