My Blue Heaven

I tried to post this in the post above..but there was an error, so I’ll try here:
I’m here a few months after you posted this..and thank you for not deleting it 🙂 I don’t think I was in a good place in March anyway. Going back to a stressful job, gearing up for surgery, just moved house & other problems.

Anyway, I feel like I ‘hear you’ because I’ve struggled with loneliness all my life too. It’s the worst emotion.. for me.

In high school I was bullied/picked-on.. I made wrong choices in romantic relationships.. And anyone that was close to me.. always hurt me.. and it has never made sense to me why. I was always the person who would show up at the airport shuttle bus stop if you were going on a trip… with handmade ‘Bon Voyage’ card in tow.. ready with a hug and genuinally excited about your trip.

I’ve always been generous and if ever I’ve opened up and shown any other side to me.. eg. standing up for myself.. then I’ve been rejected. I’ve lost friendships.. and when I look back at the circumstances.. it’s clear that things don’t add up.. it just doesn’t make sense.. and I haven’t deserved the rejection. I’ve had so-called ‘nicer’ friends tell me “It’s just me, not you.. I’m selfish..” and/or “You’re always thoughtful.. but I’m not like that.. I can’t be bothered”. I have to listen when people say this..and not consider it any kind of accolade to be the ‘better’ person in a one-way street friendship. Being a doormat isn’t right. I used to put up with years of them “not being bothered”.

Just last night I had two dreams about the same ‘couple’.. friends of mine in the late 80’s, early 90’s. I was trying so hard to reconnect with them but they had moved on and wern’t interested in being friends. I awoke this morning feeling quite distressed and realised I nurse feelings of deep-seated rejection.. and this is being played out in my dreams.

I’m a foodie… and the few acquaintances I have.. or friends (and I use that term lightly).. don’t even like the gastronomic scene.. and/or don’t cook or hate to cook. I’m kind of like a freak to them. I have a half hour radio spot each week (for the last 28 months) and not a single person I know ever tunes in to check out the segment. I’ve had some total strangers touch base with me in various forms to say how much they enjoy the foodie segment.. but not anybody that knows me. It’s streamed live on the internet and my two younger sisters have never tuned-in either. My sisters don’t visit my blog. I’m not seeking fans.. or daily praise.. but just some sort of gesture of ‘love’ I guess?

I think you may have tuned in to something I wrote on Twitter in April re: a Royal Wedding High Tea I had. I invited about 17 people and had only 1 person accept. I, myself didn’t even predict that failure. It’s like nobody could be bothered.

It would seem I’m a total ogre and/or eat small children as a hobby.. but I’m truly not evil.. I know it!

I occasionally, randomly give cards/words of encouragement to others.. and they’ll thank me and often they’ll say it came at just the right time. And that’s wonderful. Encouragement is an important thing. Sometimes all it takes is a few positive words from someone. But nobody ever does anything like that for me. I didn’t even get a single birthday card in the mail this year. I had 25-ish Facebook wall posts though. Of course.. Facebook reminded everyone it was my birthday. And I was still happy for the wallposts..but it felt so saccharin.

Recently I wanted to connect with a single mother (parent of one of my daughter’s friends).. our kids have sleepovers. I even stuck a pretty lollypop on the card for that Mum…and she’s never acknowledged any part of that contact.

I’ve been so incredibly hurt by people.. I can weep just thinking about it. One of my sisters in particular has broken my heart in a million pieces.. multiple times.. if that is possible. Cruel, cruel things.

It’s not like nobody has ever told me about my good qualities. I have been told these things. But people aren’t “drawn to me” because of them. Tomorrow.. as part of a local food festival..they’re playing Julie and Julia at the movies again for $5 a ticket. I have no-one to go with! Sure.. I might get a Facebook wallpost on my birthday or be told of my good qualities.. but what about that ‘3am’ person? What about someone to do stuff with (other than my husband or teenager who deperately wants to live her own life anyway).

I see groups of friends connecting all around me..and people just don’t want to include me. True.. I’m not part of that whole ‘drinking culture’ thing and I wouldn’t enjoy the weekly binges these women go on anyway. Why can’t someone ring me and say “Do you want to come over for coffee? Or lunch?” “Do you want to come with me to see this movie”? I dont’ get those phone calls.. I’m the one who sends those texts and makes those phone calls..and yes, I’ve had some meetings and outings as a result.. But if I don’t text or call.. it just doesn’t happen.

It would seem I’m a freak.. and I hate that.. I hate that attack on my self-esteem.

By “holding back” and not presenting the real me.. I don’t believe it’s possible to -truly- connect with anyone. Intimacy and closeness is fostered by sharing and being yourself..and not putting up walls and screens. When I censor myself around someone.. then I never really connect with them. We then operate on a shallow level.. and we don’t know the true condition of each others heart. There is no truth in that.. or intimacy.. and trust can never be developed. I’m not saying you make the whole world your best friend. Let’s just say one person. One bloody girlfriend.

I believe it’s the condition of the world. So many people are damaged in this day and age. So many people are selfish and inconsiderate. The world often rewards these qualities. But I still hold onto hope.