My Blue Heaven

Blogs and social networks have completely different purposes. If you only used Facebook, I wouldn’t know anything about you. Blogs are public, Facebook is just for your “friends”. So which is better for making new friends? I mean new friends, not just friends of so-called friends, who will only ever be acquaintances to you – just because they know your friend doesn’t mean you’ll have much in common.

I’m not a fan of social networks at all. I’ve touched on it on my blog before, and I should do so again. I hope they will be a fad that soon passes. Already things are moving away from Facebook to “microblogging”, e.g. Twitter. Hopefully it’ll come full circle and blogging will be the norm again.

I don’t tend to get on that well with other British people as I dislike the small number of things they tend to be interested in. Even so, I think what you are experiencing is due to the stage of life you’re at, not because you are in the UK. At university and when you are young, it’s easy to meet people and make friends. When you move on to the real world of work, there’s little time for that. That’s why it’s best to find your lifelong partner and settle down (sorry to say that in the current circumstances, but hey you’re actually lucky going to Madrid – I haven’t been able to travel for a long time other than for work as it’d mean being on my own, and that’s miserable).

Again, sorry if it seems insensitive, but how will you manage at a salsa class? I’ve had to quit similar dance classes on a number of occasions as I’ve found the “no partner necessary” bit to be rather inaccurate.

I’m quite familiar with loneliness, so I do feel for you. Yet it sounds like you have a great life, with interesting work, and keeping yourself busy. There can’t be much time for you to feel lonely. I know the worst time can be when you are alone in your flat, but that’s what the internet’s made for! I suggest you sit and read a few blogs! 🙂

Thanks for your comment Jonathan. I know that blogs and facebook are very different. (Afterall I do work in the industry.. its my job to know!) What I was writing about more personal – the fact that the people in my particular blogosphere.. my friends who used to blog have almost all stopped since they joined facebook. Some of them write notes instead. But I think it is because facebook makes it so easy to keep track of what your friends are up to (via status updates, photos etc), that people no longer feel the need to blog/read blogs to find out. In this particular example, the people I’m talking about do also all know each other and are or have been my friends in real life.

I personally quite enjoy using facebook, but for different reasons to why I blog. Facebook is a friend organiser of sorts. I only have people who are *actually* my friend on my friends list. Except for 1 or 2 exceptions of adding “internet” friends, everyone there is someone I have been friends with in real life at some stage. None are merely “friend of a friend acquaintance”. I reject those, and other stranger requests. I like FB because it allows me to easily keep in touch with people I would otherwise have very easily lost touch with.. even going a step further to put me back into touch with old friend I’ve completely lost touch with. It also gives me that little glimpse into the lives of my friends back in Sydney or elsewhere in the world.. I can see who’s currently travelling.. eg a friend is in London, I’ll message her so we can swap numbers and arrange to meet up. It’s how you use Facebook that makes it good or bad. If you use it like a MySpace and go about adding any acquaintance/stranger who friend requests you, then your news feed will be filled with junk about people you couldn’t care less about. Same goes with apps. But if you are selective in who and what you add, then you maintain control and the information you recieve is actually of interest to you.

I use neither facebook nor blogging to make new friends. 🙂 The only medium I’ve found in which I’ve successfully made new internet friends on (by success I mean they have become friends in real life, I have met up with them, talked on phone etc etc) is a combination of Youtube & Stickam. I also have a feeling “social network” sites won’t ever pass.. they’ll only grow and evolve. Heck with googles recent release of “add you own social networking components to any site”.. its only gonna grow. I’ve been twittering for a while.. it’s cool but it has it’s limitations. I think these different sorts of social networking sites (microblogging, blogging, facebook, youtube) all serve a different purpose, and I use them for different purposes. The only one I’m really not bothered with is MySpace. The amount of n00bs with crap pages on there annoys me.

Regarding my stage of life. I wouldn’t quite agree with you there. The reason I say this is because I have been in this stage of life (finished uni and now working) for 8-9 years. It’s not new to me. And through the past 8 years I have realised that working is different from uni, but I had still managed to meet many new people and make new friends who became good friends, in a way that I have just not experienced yet in London. So my stage of life was the same. What is the difference then? Location and culture and circumstances perhaps. I know its probably a combination of a few things, but one of them is the culture of the people. I suppose it helped that my particular ethnic group (ABC – australian born chinese.. or any other australian born or raised asian group really) is HUGE in sydney. Almost everyone I knew there was ABC. Whereas here, its tiny. Most people I meet are white or european or another culture other than asian. I think that adds to the culture difference on top of the whole “british” type thing.

Regarding finding a lifelong partner, I just want to comment that I think that even if you have found a lifelong partner, it doesnt exclude the need for friends. I’ve learnt that it is still very important to maintain good friendships and social circles and have a life in order to have a healthy relationship. Too much exclusivity is a common mistake, and one that I know I’m prone to, and I have made the mistake many times in the past.

Regarding salsa – I’ve have always gone to salsa classes without a partner and have found no problem – sometimes there is shortage one way or the other but u manage. And in my experience, the people in those classes have been mostly singles. Maybe depends where u go? 🙂

And your final point about loneliness. Well firstly.. I’m female. We multi-task remember. 😉 So I am quite capable of being busy and feeling lonely at the same time. 🙂 But seriously, no matter how busy you are, the feelings in your heart are always there. And no amount of keeping busy doing things can ever replace what human relationships can give you. What object can replace a real person? Oh I do find using the internet helps a lot. Probably even is one of the reasons for my huge amount of activity on my many and varied social websites.

Ok this comment is mammoth. I think I might make this into a blog post….

What I really don’t like about Facebook is the fact that my “friends” would be able to see who is on my friends list. That’s an invasion of privacy too far. It also implies that I should be able to look through my friends’ friends and make new friends (hence “networking”). If you aren’t using that capability, all you need is a bookmark list in your browser and a feed reader! You don’t need Facebook. The other issue is that whereas people once put photos on a public web page or photo sharing site, they now use Facebook so that only “friends” can see them. That might be fair enough for personal photos, but suppose I am looking for a photo of a particular palace in Spain or whatever. Once I would have found it easily. But if everyone has used Facebook, I’ll no longer be able to see it. That’s a great loss to the world wide web.

As an aside, a while ago I was wondering what I could invent that could be the next big idea on the web. I came up with the idea of a protocol that would allow social networking to be added to any site. Now Google have got there first, damn it!

I still think there’s a big difference between a 21 and just out of university, and 30. The former people are still young, living in shared houses, going out a lot. By 30, they are settled down, maybe married, have their own flats, etc.

If you are insisting on meeting people who are ABC, then I see the problem. I think London, other cities, and the whole world would be a better place if people would mix more with people outside their own ethnicity or nationality after coming here as immigrants. Thinking of BBC people I’ve known, the happiest and most successful are the ones who see themselves as British and have friends of all backgrounds. I’ve seen your videos and don’t see why you should be any different from non-ABCs (you don’t have language as an excuse), but if you really feel you are – and only you can know that – the only solution is obviously to go back to Australia!

So you have a problem with your friend’s knowing who your friends are? Hmm. I don’t really see what the problem is with that honestly. I mean when you’re out with friends in real life, its obviously in a group context, so your friends will all know each other and know that you know so-and-so etc etc. Thats how social networks work in real life. *shrug* And its also strange that you freely write on a public blog but complain about facebook which is a restricted website in which you yourself have control over who sees your profile. If you don’t feel comfortable with someone seeing your friend list, then to put it bluntly, don’t add them as your friend!!!

Regarding age.. I was more thinking of my life when I was 25/26 compared to 27/28. Not a huge difference in age and life circumstances.. both would be settled in work, and been out of uni long enough for the whole “uni lifestyle” to have kinda worn off. True more in the latter group will have started getting married. But as I mentioned before, marrying and settling down doesn’t mean you cease to have friends. You might also have misunderstood me – by meeting people and making friends I am not talking about drunken nights out partying.

So when I say I want to meet people… I’m talking about meeting people for lunch or dinner or a coffee and having a decent conversation in which you genuinely get to know the other person/people. No I am not insisting they are ABC. I met a bunch of people when I was around 25/26.. before i came to london.. who very quickly became really good friends of mine. They were a great bunch and they weren’t all asian either (tho the majority were.. it was a mix of filipino, chinese, malaysian/singaporean, australian, indian) – full of energy for life, positive, seeking to achieve things and improve themselves, very active in their hobbies (eg was into dance classes, photography, working out at the gym, starting their own businesses, played competitive volleyball etc etc) and geuinely wanting to form deep, positive friendships with others. I guess people with a very similar mindset to myself. And i think this is something that is somehow a part of the culture over there, at least amongst the social circles I hung around. To have that positive and active attitude towards life. In comparison, the culture here seems to be all about going to pubs and getting drunk every weekend – which I am TOTALLY not into. This is the difference in culture that I feel. I’m not into drinking or smoking and most of my friends back in Sydney weren’t either. We prefered going out to the beach, having a bbq, doing something active and sporty, going out for dinner together, sitting in a cafe chatting over some coffee in the afternoon.. sharing some sushi.. or even just hanging out at each other houses and cooking a decent meal together.. we sometimes went clubbing (for the purposes of dancing, not just to get drunk) or went to karaoke for some fun (thats more an asian thing). I guess this is something you probably would never understand because you have not lived this. (I am assuming you are british and have grown up here?)

I do still believe that I can find similar minded people here. I think it just takes time and effort – and I don’t have the benefit of having grown up here with a foundation of social networks already built. I have gotten to know some people so far, and they have been from all different cultures, which I do love. However they seem to be mostly from cultures OTHER than british. For example, I have found that europeans from the “continent” (eg germans, italians, spanish etc) are definitely easier to get to know and more open to friendships. I enjoy the variety of people here though. And actually the only thing missing in the mix of people I know now are asians! I barely know any! And i think that the ABC/BBC culture is really quite non-existent here. So I guess what I’m saying is that I just kinda miss it. Because it is nice to have that immediate bond with someone – as much as you are able to mingle with people from other cultures and friends of all different backgrounds, there is something that just clicks when you talk to someone of a similar cultural background to yourself. There is almost an automatic understanding and likemindedness there. BUT even if they’re not the same culture, if they still have a similar mindset and attitude towards life, then I think culture/ethnicity really makes no difference to me at all.

Anyway, I think I have spent too long trying to explain something to you that I think you probably will never really understand. So for now.. I need to get cracking on important things.. like my dinner and my assignment!

“the culture here seems to be all about going to pubs and getting drunk every weekend – which I am TOTALLY not into.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. The trouble is for me, as much as I tried to meet people from other nationalities or ethnic backgrounds, they didn’t want to know. There is a real divide between white British and everyone else. Therefore I now have to do my photography, go to the gym, and enjoy my music on my own (and as I said, I quit dance classes).

My suggestion is still the same: leave this country. Neither of us likes it here, but unlike me, you have no reason to stay here. Escape while you still can 😉

I wish you all the best with your assignment!

By the way, if you find a good salsa class (where partners aren’t essential), once you’ve finished going, let me know the details. I could do with a recommendation. (I can worry about whether I can afford the time and money it’ll take to get there later…)

Good to see a new post from you, and I wish you all the best in your search for some good friends in London. As you point out, being busy does not necessarily take care of one’s feelings of loneliness. Just continue to take care of your health, stay with the music, and all will be sorted out. Perhaps a trip back to Sydney for a vacation might help.

Joe

Karen! Hello to you.

Since moving to London by social circle has shrunk beyond belief, I put it down to two main factors, it’s London, London is huge and anonymous ( has been for a centuries ), I’m getting older, ok – three things – and people here already have their established groups and don’t see the need to get many new friends. It’s not a british thing at all, it’s a combination of all sorts. And the fact that you’re getting on with those from mainland europe could be as much to do with sharing the whole being in a different country type of thing.

Jonathan – how do you try and meet people from other countries etc ? I know it’s always a good thing but sometimes forcing the issue doesn’t work.

Anyway, Karen, make sure you do the gig at Piada, I need an excuse to go eat there.

Stew

Hey stew!! Wow your first comment on my blog! (I think) 🙂

Yeh I agree its probably more to with being in London than Britain itself as I’m sure other parts of Britian have a very different social culture from London. However, I still think it is general consesus amongst almost anyone who comes to Britian from another country (eg europe, america, australia) that they find British people on the more reserved side (and hence seemingly harder to get to know, at least initially) in general comparison to people in their country. True? Sure there is something in what you say with being able to share the whole “being in another country” thing as a contributing factor, but I still think there is something in the british culture (the reservedness) in general that also contributes to it all. Not saying you guys aren’t friendly at all, coz i have made some lovely friends here… though I found that someone as open as yourself seems to be a less common occurrance than in other countries I’ve lived.

Note to all:
As with anything there is always more than one side to the issue. I’m not saying its all bad all the time, I’m only addressing one aspect of life here that I feel sometimes. I dont always feel this way abt living here and abt british ppl.. and I’m not always down and depressed abt life here, contrary to what it may appear like from what I write on this blog. Treat these blog entries like a snapshot into my thoughts at a particular moment in time. 🙂

Hi Kaz! (If that IS your real name…)

Hmm… Quite a philosophical debate. Lots of varied opinions. It appears that all of these viewpoints may be valid, depending on time, chance, ethnicity, professional status, social status, character, personality…

Different cities have way different vibes about them. Even countries, as far as that goes.

But as for cities, London is perhaps the epicenter of a tremendous amount of business action. Like New York, it carries the reputation for being cold and impersonal, with the people being way too busy chasing the next dollar/pound/euro to care much about their fellow humans. And the British in general have carried the stigma of being perceived as arrogant and snobbish from as far back as their colonizing activities.

But the city itself is a magnet for over-achievers who desire to make it big in their chosen field. The over-achiever mindset is one of working long hours to get ahead of others and a very competitive nature. These aren’t necessarily ideal qualities for making fast friends. They are actually kinda repulsive in the friend making area. And very stressful, (which may account for the amount of pubs… :))

Sydney, however, and Australia, too, has a reputation for being laid back and mellow. The people not easily excitable and friendlier than your average bear… Those are pretty attractive qualities and go a long way toward making fast friends.

I know there are exceptions to these generalizations, but I’ve travelled a lil bit myself and can easily tell that different cities can have very different characteristics from one another.

from the former colonies of America.
Tony

Hello Kazzart,
I’m sorry (and shocked) to hear about your recent breakup with Kwai as you guys seemed so happy during your Italy trip. I hope that you are still friends and it wasn’t a bad breakup. I’m glad that you are posting again but it certainly sounds like you are busy with work, school etc. Congratulations with your performance gigs with the Sheridan Trio. Definitely curious to hear/see some performance video of your group. Looks like your studies at Goldsmiths are proving to be invaluable. I hope you return to posting to YouTube again as I’m sure other subscribers like myself would love to hear how you are doing and coping with life in London. Good luck as always and hope to see your updated vlogs soon. Cheers!

I hope that

“Almost everyone I knew there was ABC” Hey! 😛 Hope everything is going OK Kaz. Sorry, don’t use MSN, so haven’t been able to catch up. I was wondering if you were going to come back and visit Oz any time soon?