Musings
1:10 pm Tue, 11th October 2005Memories are funny things. They don’t seem to be always entirely accurate. I think the mind has a tendancy to play down certain parts and highlight others leaving a slightly skewed image of your past and the people in your past. Oftimes it leaves a rosier image than what reality was.
Life is funny too. I never thought I’d be where I am now, at this point in my life, or at any point really. It’s amusing to think back to my teenage years where I imagined myself definitely married by this age. I think it was between 24 and 26 that I had set myself to get married. Hehe. So silly. There are some things in my life that do bother me now. Stuff that I held at such a high importance back home, that I just haven’t been able to keep up. Like doing dance classes, and regular exercise and piano. I feel like I’m losing them. It frustrates me that I just can’t seem to be able to do anything about it. It’s just much harder here – but I guess that is life – its not always gonna be living at home with your parents who do everything for you. Or living in that comfortable zone supported by a myriad of friends who look, talk, think and live in similar ways to you.
I dunno what I’m trying to say. I guess… in some ways I am disappointed in myself.. and in some ways I’m disappointed in people. But then I’ve been disappointed in people since primary school. So perhaps its just me. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Maybe I’m still just getting used to the change. I dunno. This is all one long slow process of growing and living. And I guess you just gotta take things as they come. Sometimes I wish things would never change, but they inevitably do.
Current listening :: “Quiet Day” – George
Hello, can anybody tell me how
how to love with my full heart
and not think about the day you might say goodbye
I don’t wanna look too far
into the future
but it scares me not to leave it up to me
That is why I hope its okay
for me just be now
I just need to have a quiet day
watch things fade away
I think I’ll just sit here
and watch you all go by
To look past this hour, this day
its exciting but it is
too big to imagine for me
Why do things have to change
I am a brushstroke on a big canvas
that’s not by me
That is why I hope its okay
for me just be now
I just need to have a quiet day
watch things fade away
I think I’ll just sit here
and watch you all go by
And I’m trying to form my own treatment
rather than clinging to a greater after ideal
But now where is my light
I’m stumbling in the darkness
and I’m trying to find my own way
to follow through
That is why I hope its okay
for me just be now
I just need to have a quiet day
watch things fade away
I think I’ll just sit here
and watch you all go by
“Quiet Day” – George
Hrm. I think I am being too honest on this blog again. Too much introspection..
Posted in Uncategorized (Old Blog) | 3 Comments »
3 Comments on “Musings”
echolalia
Oct 12, 2005
Hey there kazzart. Bit of a lurker here, coming in from the cold of anonymity for the second time on your site.
This is a disarmingly honest post. And it made me think, maybe sometimes we don’t need to know what we’re trying to say. Whether its homesickness, the stress/excitement of all things new, the longing for the familiar, or whatever category you or anyone else wants to put your ‘mood’ into, maybe its just something you have to work out, at your own pace.
All this reorganizing and stock-taking, like someone suddenly made a jigsaw of your life and tossed it high up into the air.
And then turned out the light.
But at the end of the day, when you think about the things you’ve been through, recently, maybe this is a way of coping. Like, in a sense, my writing this message, to someone I’ve never met, is maybe my way with dealing with my own feelings of confusion and seperation =) Heh, selfish, in a way, I suppose.
Honestly, at the end of the day, why all this confusion/uncertainty/frustration/disappoinment?
‘Coz we’re human, methinks. And that’s my 2 cents, though probably worth much less. Haven’t checked exchange rates in a while =)
Best with everything,
-Andrew
Kazzart
Oct 12, 2005
Thanks for your comment Andrew. It was much appreciated and rather insightful.
Sometimes when you post things like this on your blog, you make yourself vulnerable to idiots who come and make all sorts of assumptions and judgements on you.. but u haven’t done that. 🙂 So thanks for the kind words of encouragement. 🙂
(Btw I went for out for a cycle shortly after posting, and felt much better about things afterwards!)
ley
Oct 17, 2005
hey kaz, i feel what u are saying, like i understand in a sense, but ur smart enough to say that yeah “that is life” so i assume u are strong enough. hang in there in regards to adjusting to the changes, and remember that God is with u all the way hun – whoever u are, wherever u are. (: *hugs*