My Blue Heaven

Ch-ch-changes

I had so much that I wanted to blog about on the weekend, but now that I’m sitting in front of the computer, I can’t think of anything. Perhaps my brain has gone into monday-arvo-itis mode. A serious condition to the detriment of any intelligent thought. Hm. Anyways. Lets see if we can get these thoughts down..

Things have been changing in my life. This whole year seems like one big change. And its not gonna stop next year. I don’t cope well with change at the best of times. So this ain’t gonna be pretty. *sigh* Kazzart = barely coping with everything.

Ok specifics. I’m actually gonna talk about what I’m talking about for once. 😛 Last week, after much thought and prayer and talking to a few close, trusted friends.. I made the decision to step down from leadership at Glue for term 4 this year. I’d already decided I wasn’t going to continue with Glue next year anyway, but I guess I’m gonna stop earlier than originally planned.

My reasons are varied, but mainly its because I know I’m not able to be 100% committed to this ministry, and I’m not able to put in 100% effort. I just don’t have the enthusiasm and fire for this anymore – I don’t want to lead… and it’s been something that I’ve struggled with since early this year. I finally decided, if I have to force myself to do this (and that wasn’t really working anyway, as my co-leader can attest), then its better to not do it, than do it out of obligation alone. I’m not serving for the right reasons anymore. I guess I need a break, to take a step back, think through things, search myself and just get refocussed again. I think this is something that may take me well into the new year to do…

It was a hard decision to make, for many reasons. Firstly, I really do care for the kids in my bible study group – and I will miss them, esp the ones I’ve formed closer relationships with over the past couple of years. I don’t want to disappoint them, or leave them in the lurch. Also, a part of me kept saying I shouldn’t “quit”.. and wonders whether I should feel like a failure for doing so. Then finally, youth group on Friday nights is something I have been going to for.. over 10 years now – since I was the high school kid! So leaving this is not easy for me.

But on the brighter side of things, having this extra time free will allow me the opportunity to do other things. Such as meet up with some old friends that I never seemed to find the time to meet with. One such girlfriend used to go to our church, but stopped last year sometime. I’d been meaning to meet up with her regularly.. but it’s now been ~6 months since we last caught up. So I’m gonna be meeting up with her for dinner next Friday night. 🙂

Man this is turning into a mega-long post. Ok almost finished. Another big change is set to take place next year – I might be leaving WSCCC to go to a different church. Not sure of the details, such as exactly when, and how this changeover will take place. Could be a gradual shift over the first part of next year. But yeh, this was something I’d been thinking about since at least half way through this year, if not earlier. I’m not gonna get into the reasons for this too, otherwise I’m gonna be here all night. But its got to do with needing a change, something that will help me refocus again. Hard to explain, but I feel that I’ve been gradually but surely moved in this direction.. that this is God’s will for me. And it’s a scary and difficult thing for me. I’ve been at WS for over 10 years. It’s been my home in so many ways. I’m gonna be really sad to leave. But, I think (and hope!) there will be many new and exciting opportunities awaiting me, and many new relationships to form. I guess we’ll just see where God takes me with this one, huh.

Ok last point I promise! Just thought I’d mention, my grandmother (in the UK) passed away yesterday morning, at 3am. We’re all ok – we’ve been expecting it for the last few months. She was very old, 92 I think, and lived a full life. She was also a christian, so I guess for us there is no sadness as we will be sure to see her again, in a much better place than this earth. 🙂 For myself in particular, I wasn’t ever very close to her, and hadn’t seen her for about 10 years. So I don’t really feel like I’ve lost very much, as I didn’t really know her.

Current listening :: “Hands Of Christ” – Selah

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