Disillusion
12:06 pm Fri, 7th May 2004Why is it that as I grow older, I find myself becoming more cynical, more sad, more angsty, more disillusioned… the bags in my hands growing one by one. I suppose that is how life is, with the whole growing up thing. And I suppose you only do it to youself, with your choices. It was all so much more simple back then, was it not? Back in the uni days.. and even further back in the high school days, that seem like a distant memory now. I was so innocent back then. What have we done with innocence? It disappeared with time, it never made much sense.
I am so sorry to those I’ve hurt along the way. And I’m sorry to those I will hurt in the future. Sorry for all the times.. I just can’t add up the sums, to find the damage we’ve done. I guess I should just resign myself to the guilt. I suppose I deserve it.
I know I don’t deserve *you*.
Gosh.. dunno where this is all coming from. Just feel like letting stuff out. Please don’t read too much into it. It’s just me.. expressing my feelings and frustrations.. about life, about people, about change.
One thing that gets to me, is that if you do something.. different.. (not necessarily wrong.. just different) from what people believe to be the “thing” to do… the “way” to act.. the “life” to live.. the “choice” to choose… you get a sense of disapproval. A shift in people’s opinions of you. Like you’ve just gone down a few rungs in the social pecking order. I dunno. Maybe I’m reading too much into things. But then again… maybe not.. maybe my mum was right.
Ack… too much thinking, not enough exercising. I haven’t been to the gym in over a week now. Methinks I am way overdue. Its coz I’ve been sick.. and trying to recover.
/rant
[Update: 5:40pm]
Ah.. feeling better now. Going to the gym at lunchtime today helped improve my mood greatly. That, and my little rant above. π I’m feeling a little sleepy now though… ugh.. kinda wish I didn’t have to go to youth group tonight.. just wanna go home and snuggle up in bed..
Current listening :: “My Poor Brain” – Foo Fighters
Posted in Life, Rant & Bitch | 7 Comments »
7 Comments on “Disillusion”
Vron
May 7, 2004
π Mum’s are often right.
Hope you recover soon and work through all the thinking / ranting as well.
nok
May 7, 2004
You know what? I get that feeling too. About the Βcynical and angstyΒ part.
Sigh, hope things will get better for you in time yeah? :] The good thing about being older is being wiser from experience (God, I sound so ah mah….).
Btw, I recommend Tae bo or kickboxing – punch/kick your sorrows and stress away.
a l
May 7, 2004
hv dropped u an email (ur fastmail account :))
keep welll…
blue
May 7, 2004
what is it that mum was right about? =) what others think is often overrated.
u get sick pretty often these days. hope u feel better soon.
Kazzart
May 7, 2004
Vron: Heehee.. yeh too true.. π I’m on the mend.. both physically and ranting-wise.. π
nok: Thanks! Yeh kinda sucks.. u start to feel a bit like a bitter old woman.. hehe. Oh, and my workout at the gym definitely has improved my spirits.. π
al: So I see! Will reply asap. π
blue: My mum was telling me that certain actions of mine were gonna cause people to think worse of me.. ruin my “reputation” so to speak..
As for my sickness… its the same cold that I had last week… been sick for over a week now.. I’ve just been slowly getting better. But thanks anyways π
rat
May 7, 2004
well mum’s can be right, but you have to be yourself as well. no point worrying too much about what people think. (but still we do worry)
having a vent/rant i find helps too, good to let it out π
BUNNY_A
May 9, 2004
when i feel down i always remember-god doesn’t give us what we can’t handle and somebody always has it worst off then we do….smile!