My Blue Heaven

Weekend Round-Up

This weekend my sleeping pattern was ALL OVER THE SHOP, reminiscent of my early 20s. Getting up in the PM every day, sleeping for 11 hours on Friday night, then Netflix bingeing a new show till 5:30 am (I watched nearly the entire season of new Colombian Drama / Fantasy “Always A Witch” in one sitting) whilst my partner (let’s call him A) was up even later playing the new Resident Evil on PS4 till 7 am. Finally, we were out Sunday night at a monthly dancers jam (that A also DJs at) so we didn’t get home till nearly midnight, felt peckish, ended up cooking some udon at midnight something before going to bed. Not exactly embodying my Way Of Being of “Healthy”!

BUT I did manage to do some light training yesterday (mainly abs and stretching) plus I danced last night, which my body was really craving after two whole weeks of doing absolutely nothing whilst healing my hand injury (torn flexor retinaculum). Kazz does not like an inactive lifestyle!

My partner and I also went shopping on Saturday which was lovely. We ended up in Liberty where he bought me my very first proper hat. I’m not normally a hat person and I’ve never worn one as a fashion accessory before so I’m half hoping I haven’t made a mistake in getting this (ie will I actually wear it much?) and half thinking it’s good to step outside one’s comfort zone every so often and why the hell not if it looks good on me?

Anyway, I’ve spent way too long writing this weekend round-up. This style of blogging is suprisingly hard for me nowadays. It’s like part of me is resisting it, overthinking it, caring too much. #RecoveringPerfectionist. Meh. My brain has been all over the place these past few days.

Kazz signing out.

Being A Creator

I’ve been contemplating the concept of creativity lately. My theme for 2019 is Create. One of my ways of being (ie how I most want to show up in the world – a concept I learned in The Holiday Council) for both last year and this year is “creative”. Thinking back, I have always had the urge to create and to express myself through my creations. It could be writing a blog, creating a video blog, making music, dancing, taking photos for my instagram.. there’s always been something.

But in the most recent years, I feel like I’ve lost a bit of that personal touch. Perhaps I simply turned inward for some time, as I delved into the last 3-4 years of personal development and growth. Perhaps it was that I was swept up, along with the rest of the internet, in the whole social media persona game. Only presenting my very best curated self to the world. And being real somehow became scary. What did I have to offer that was relevant or worthwhile in today’s competitive information-overloaded world, where everyone and their pet has a blog/insta/snapchat/twitter? I’d like to recapture the charm of my old blog posts, but does anyone in the blogosphere really care about what I ate or how my workout went anymore? It’s hard to compete with “Top 5 Ways To Live Your Best Life” (or insert any other topic of self-improvement / life hack / body sculpting / career coaching etc) type of blogs out there. But perhaps it’s not about competing at all. Creating is simply about courageously offering what only you can offer. As Elizabeth Gilbert puts it, “Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within you?”

Serendipitously, whilst chewing on the self-doubt that crept its way into my mind, I discovered a mention on twitter from 2 months ago which I’d completely missed.

Apparently, my anecdotal personal creations and overwhelming desire to share my life with the world-wide-web inspired someone and changed their life for the better 9 years ago. Wow. That was an emotional moment for me. Especially when they told me I make the world a better place. Nobody has ever said that to me before – whether about my online creations or in real life!

Well.. if that isn’t a sign from the universe that my creations matter to someone..

I guess I have the answer to my doubts. I guess I will keep being a creator.. both because of the positive effect it can have on someone’s life and because it is inherently part of who I am. We are all creators deep down.

Blog Revival?

Been reading through my old blog posts from early-mid 2000s recently and they make me smile and reminisce. They’ve also inspired me somewhat. I’m feeling the urge to blog again. But I don’t want my posts to be polished, overly edited in that “journalism” way. I don’t want to feel pressured to write something deep and meaningful. I want them to be like my old blog posts – authentic, quirky, conversational, real.. a snapshot into my life at that moment, on that day.

I’ve attempted to revive my blogging habit a few times over the years but they’ve always fizzled out. Let’s see if this attempt sticks. The internet is a very different beast these days. I kinda miss the old days. There was a lot of charm in the blogosphere back then. An innocence and childlike wonder in sharing one’s life on the internet and just seeing if it connects or resonates with someone.

Ok so, in the spirit of old blogging days. Tonight I watched Alita with my partner and his friend. Interesting movie. I’m totally not an anime/manga watcher/reader so I went in with zero expectations. I do like all things sci-fi and fantasy so it was enjoyable for me but… I just found the ending a bit.. unsatisfying.

Well, it’s late. Bedfordshire for me.

A Letter To The Past

I wrote a letter to my past self during a self development online course I did last year called The Joy Equation. This letter was our homework exercise for the first week “Develop Fierce Self Love”, which focused on cultivating a strong sense of self-worth, developing inner resilience and practice kindness towards yourself without an agenda of improvement. It was truly an eye opening week for me, opening me to some pretty deep soul searching down memory lane. One big AHA moment was the realisation that my high school experiences when I was 14 (lasting 2 years) lead me to form a certain belief about myself that simply was not true.. it was where I lost my sense of worthiness. And it was a belief that rooted itself deep within me, forming much of who I am today – and though my adult mind knows it is not true, changing it is not easy and is a work in progress. The task was to write a letter to my past self – showering her with understanding, forgiveness and hope.

…

I am enough – My Manifesto

I am enough

I am radiant and delight in experiencing life’s journey to the full. I wholeheartedly give love and crave being loved. I long for authentic, meaningful, intimate connections. I am kind, genuine and sensitive. I am also insecure and needy. I am still enough.

I can be quite reserved and shy, and maybe it makes me come across as unfriendly. But I can also be completely uninhibitedly silly around those I trust. I let people in with my whole heart once I trust them. I am playful, witty, affectionate and sometimes downright childish. I am afraid of confrontation and conflict. I am still enough.

I am a woman. The divine feminine, emotional, sensual. I love feeling beautiful, sexy and strong. I am indulgent, sometimes vain and attention seeking. I am also highly logical, geeky, slightly Type A and I love to plan. I can be controlling, overthink things and a perfectionist. I love with an open heart even if I am hurting. I am messy, usually running late and have a terrible tendency to hoard stuff. I am still enough.

I am intelligent, hard working, driven and push myself to do my best if I am passionate about what I am doing. I believe I can do anything I truly set out to achieve. I am capable and I am badass. But if I am unstimulated I lack self control and easily become bored and unmotivated. I too often procrastinate boring “adulting” tasks. I can be overly critical and judgemental – of both myself and others. Yet I am still enough.

I accept that practicing joy and gratitude when things don’t go well is never going to be easy. I too often compare myself with others or seek external validation. I accept that sometimes I feel so isolated, depressed and lonely that I don’t know what to do with myself. I accept that life is messy and painful, sometimes as the result of my own big mistakes, and I am going to inevitably feel sadness and regret as a part of learning and growing. I also know that I can find peace and centering in healthy activities like yoga & meditation, and I am grateful for emotional release in artistic expressions like playing piano, dance and aerial arts. I also accept that sometimes I just need to distract myself with some netflix, a glass of wine or indulge in a pampering massage. I am still enough.

I am obsessed with good coffee, good food, yoga, doing physically challenging things in general, journalling and my gorgeous kitty cat Miss Ella. I love feeling the warm summer sun on my skin and swimming in the sea. I am an Aussie beach babe at heart. I am a city girl too. I love deep soul baring conversations. I love travelling and exploring this wonderfully beautifully diverse world around us. I love just being at home, cooking a delicious meal and snuggling with my man. I am warm, present, introspective, joyfully appreciating, soul searching, loving and living. I am an introverted, artistic ISFP in love with the world around me – it’s taste, touch, smell and sound.

And I am enough.

(Inspired by a blog post written by the amazing & inspiring Molly Mahar, founder of Stratejoy.com, whose courses & encouragement has helped me over the past 6 or so months get through one of the most difficult phases of my life.)